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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27837106">Romanogers Stories</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvengersAU/pseuds/AvengersAU'>AvengersAU</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Family, Avengers Tower, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Awesome Natasha Romanov, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Healing Sex, Idiots in Love, Love, Memories, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Steve Rogers, Smut, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:28:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>27,170</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27837106</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvengersAU/pseuds/AvengersAU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Between missions and private life, follow Steve and Natasha in their search for happiness! </p><p>Unless explicit indications, each chapter will be independent from the other. It's a book of one shots, not a full story! </p><p>I do not own Marvel caracters but I do own My stories so don't repost (or at least ask me first) :3</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Brunnhilde | Valkyrie/Carol Danvers, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>111</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Eternity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>« Damn, that feels good! »</p><p>That's what crossed Steve's mind when the hot water touched his skin.  It had been a pretty rough day.  Despite what people might think, protecting the planet was more than just a part-time job.  All day he had to run around the city, arresting criminals and protecting everyone.  Twisting his arm behind him, he tries to grab the shower gel.  The aches and pains he's feeling will take a few days to subside.  Maybe he'll need to massage his muscles with oil.  He can't afford to suffer while fighting, it would only distract him and he needs to stay focused to stay alive.  He looks at his arm, where an open wound can be seen.  He was lucky today.  One centimeter to the left and it would have been his heart.  He's eligible for another one of Nat's sermons, even though he knows she's only doing it because she's worried about him.  He sighs.  Sooner or later he's going to have to face his wife.  But right now, Natasha's not here.  She's probably still working at Avengers HQ, training.  Thanks God, it will give him time to heal the wound and maybe prepare dinner for his lover.  He doesn't know when was the last time they did this, just spending time together.  Steve's face darkens.  The last time he and Nat spoke was three days ago.  Between his work and Nat's work, they can't see each other, let alone talk.  When Steve leaves, Nat comes back from a busy night, and when Steve finally comes home, she's already gone on a mission.  He can't even remember the last time they had a full conversation or just more than the "Hello - Goodbye, sweetheart" shot.  Maybe it's time to talk to Fury, just to see if they can come to an agreement on a less busy life.  Suddenly, he hears a rumble outside.  Before Steve can get out of the shower, all the lights turn out.  He holds his breath.  He hates being in the dark.  Too many bad memories come back to haunt him.  He tries to get out of the shower, but he slips out and grabs the shower thermostat, turning the water into ice water. </p><p>« SHIT! »</p><p>He hates to swear, but the situation allows it for once.  His body starts shaking.  The cold water and the darkness around him remind him of the accident.  No, he can't think about that.  Not now, he can't.  He has to get out of here, he has to...  He's back on the plane. Millions of tons of water crush him.  He tries to breathe but the water seeps into his nose and he can't spit it out.  He feels the coldness in his body, reaching as deep as his soul.  He feels every cell frozen.  Half-conscious of what he's doing, Steve pushes open the shower door.  He grabs his towel.  He has to turn on the light.  But it's too dark and he's so cold.  Too weak to bear it, his legs give way.  He falls on the tile floor and can't seem to get up.  Completely petrified, he rolls into a ball and begins to cry.  He doesn't want to be strong anymore.  He just wants to be protected.  His injury hurts him, and his current position does not improve him.  He is so tired.  He doesn't know how he's been able to hold it all together for so long.  Now that it's all coming back to him, it's as if nothing can save him.  He just stays there, crying in silence.</p><p>« Steve, are you home? »</p><p>A voice pulls Steve out of his fog.  Yet he is unable to respond.  His mouth is dry, his eyes closed from crying are dry too.  He doesn't know how long he's been on the floor.  The lights are turned on again, he can see it through his eyelids, and the water is still running in the shower.</p><p>« Steve, you're in the...  Oh, my God, STEVE! »</p><p>Nat runs into the room as soon as she sees him lying on the floor, a single towel covering him.  Immediately, she puts one hand on Steve's forehead and grabs her beloved's hand with the other.  She notices the blood on the floor.</p><p>« My God, Steve, you're burning up!  Why are you lying there?  Where is this blood coming from? What happened??? »</p><p>Nat's voice is shaking.  As she speaks, she manages to support Steve on her shoulder and heads for the bedroom.  She sees the wound on Steve's arm.  Her heart tightens.  Why didn't he call her?  She could have come home sooner!  Something must have happened.  Steve swore he'd call her if he had to, and she knows he keeps his promises.  Steve's still not answering, barely awake.  His body hasn't stopped shaking and he's sweating a lot.  Nat frowns with worry.  She's never seen him like this.  First, she needs to warm him up.  She puts Steve in bed and covers him with the blanket.  Then she can finally focus on where all that blood is coming from.</p><p>« Jarvis, where did we put the first aid kit?  »</p><p>« In the bathroom.  It's under the sink.  »</p><p>Nat grabs it and goes back to the room.  Steve hasn't moved.  He's still shaking and bleeding.  She knows he probably can't hear her, but she tries to talk to him, calm him down.</p><p>« I'm going to take care of your wound, okay, honey? »</p><p>She cleans him with cotton.  Thanks God it's only superficial.  No need to call an ambulance.  Carefully, she wraps Steve's arm and covers him with the duvet.  She goes to the kitchen and fills a glass of water for him.  Steve is sweating too much and she wants to avoid dehydration.  Not without difficulty, Steve drinks it all.  He's so pale.  His head falls back on the pillow.  Nat feels helpless, watching his better half struggle with the fever.  Tears begin to form in the corner of her eyes.  Seeing Steve like this is the most heartbreaking thing she's ever seen.  He looks so frail, a simple touch could tear him to pieces.  She gently strokes Steve's hair.  She wishes she could take away all his pain.</p><p>« Why didn't you call me, you moron... » Natasha breathes the deepest sigh of her life.</p><p>Now all she can do is wait for him to heal.  She just hopes it doesn't get worse.  She tries to get up, but a hand grabs her arm before she can leave.  Nat turns around and looks at Steve.  Half-conscious, Steve whispers something so softly that she has to get closer to hear it.</p><p>« Nat... »</p><p>« Hush, darling.  - She kisses Steve's temple, - I'm here.  Don't talk, just rest. »</p><p>« Stay... »</p><p>How can she refuse?  Steve's voice is full of sadness and despair.  Once again, Nat thinks something must have happened.  Steve is usually so strong, and never complains.  Of course, she encourages him to tell her everything because he shouldn't have to carry the weight of the world on his shoulder.  At least not alone.  On the other hand, she realizes that lately they've barely had time to take care of each other.  She regrets the good old days, when they didn't have to save the world every day.  She takes off her clothes, just keeping her underwear on and slips gently under the covers.  Steve turns around and wraps his arms around her torso, burying his face in her chest.  She wraps her left arm around Steve's chest and uses her free hand to stroke his hair.  She wraps her legs around her husband's waist to make sure he feels warm and protected.  She holds him tight.  She wants to feel him in every way she can.  Judging by his slow, steady breathing, Steve has fallen asleep.  Nat buries her face in Steve's hair. </p><p>« I will always protect you, I swear, » she whispers to him lovingly. </p><p>She closes her eyes and it takes her barely three seconds to fall asleep too.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div><p>When she opens them again, the sun has disappeared to make way for the moon.  It must be three or four in the morning.  Even though she hasn't slept like this for a while, she still feels tired.  She checks Steve's temperature.  Seems to be back to normal.  With her fingertips, she draws Steve's facial features.  Suddenly she freezes.  Steve is moving and Nat is all too aware of his warm body moving against her.  Her breathing quickens.  She tries to pull herself out, but Steve holds her back.  Nat hates herself.  How can she think about that in a situation like this?  Steve is sick, and this is the worst time to think about it.  Steve opens his eyes.  For a few seconds he looks completely lost, wondering how he managed to get into bed.  Then he notices Natasha's presence and stops breathing.</p><p>« Nat?  »</p><p>« Y-yes?  »</p><p>Steve sits up and stretches.</p><p>« What happened?  »</p><p>Nat laughs.  Steve looks so lost, looking at her with a confused frown.  She's so happy to see him again.  He's got his colors back and he's not sweating anymore.</p><p>« To be honest, I don't really know, but you can't imagine how worried I was.  I found you lying on the bathroom floor, completely frozen and feverish.  You were bleeding too, and you were unconscious!  You wouldn't answer and you wouldn't stop crying.  I almost had a heart attack.  I managed to get you here and heal your wounds, but you clung to me and I couldn't leave you alone, so I stayed.  »</p><p>She prefers to keep the "hot body misadventure" to herself.  He's still recovering and she can't touch him in this state.  Steve's blue eyes suddenly darken.  Lights oﬀ, panic attack, cold water, everything comes back to him.</p><p>« Oh, yeah, I remember... »</p><p>« Steve, what's wrong?  I've never seen you like this.  It's not you, you're so strong and- »</p><p>She can't go on.  Nat loses her voice when she sees tears streaming down Steve's jaw.  It's unbelievable.  She doesn't really know what to say.</p><p>« If I said or did anything to hurt you, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, I swear.  I love you. I love you so much...»</p><p>« It's not you nat...  - he wipes his eyes - I'm so tired.  I always have to be strong, always set the tone, even if I don't want to.  I'm fighting every day with people who aren't even 25 yet.  They still have so much to discover and they stand here, facing death every second.  They look up to me and wait for my orders, trusting me.  And every time I say something, I'm afraid to send them straight to their deaths.  I'm scared Nat, I'm so scared all the time.  And I can't show it because they need me, because it's my duty not to fail or show weakness.  I just want to...  I don't know, I don't even know what I want, but I don't know how long I can go on like this. »</p><p>Nat's crying now, too.  Every word that Steve says is like a stab in the heart.  She knows how Steve must feel, she knows what it's like to be afraid to fail, to be under pressure, to be afraid of taking decisions because you know you could kill somebody if you don't make the right one.  She knows all about it.  But here, words are useless.  Shebalready tried.  No words can express how they feel.  There's only one thing she can do to help.  Slowly she gets close to Steve and wraps her legs around him.  She's only an inch away from Steve's chest and she can feel his warmth.  Steve's body is so warm.  With her mouth, she catches a tear that falls on Steve's right cheek.  His skin is so soft.  She's forgotten how much she liked his taste.  Continuing on her way, she goes down along his neck and starts sucking her lover's skin.  Electrified, Steve's body is traversed by a tremor of pleasure.</p><p>Nat's fingers touch his chest, caress his ribs and twist around his torso.  With his right hand, Steve grabs Natasha's waist and brings her closer.  Nat lets out a moan.  She pulls back and looks Steve straight in the eyes.  They're both breathing deeper than they were a few seconds ago.  Steve smiles.  He's missed it.  The feeling of Nat's body on his, the closeness.  She places her hand in Steve's tangled hair and kisses his lips.  And Steve greets her, opens his mouth, asking for more.  Steve's tongue slips in and plays with Nat's lips.  Steve loves her.  He can't wait to become one with her.  When she starts moving her hips, Steve lets out a loud moan.  Using his strength, he rocks her body and pushes her against the bed.  Pinning Nat's arms above her head with his hands, Steve gently kisses her chest several times, from her neck to her hips.  With his fingertips, he touches her underwear.  Nat arching his back.  Judging by her expression, she is in agony.</p><p>« Steve... » she begs.</p><p>She tries to escape but Steve is too strong and he blocks her with his legs.  A small sadistic smile appears on his face.  When it comes to teasing her, he never lacks imagination.  He likes to push her to her limits, to bring her to her knees.  He knows he should probably give Nat what she wants, but he loves to play with her.  Burying his face in Nat's neck, he starts sucking her skin, fully aware of Nat's sensitivity to it.  He makes his way up to her ear and chews it off.  He can hear Nat's heavy breathing.    He goes back to his face and nibbles his lips.  Nat's moans electrify him.  Their skins touch, move apart, meet again, merge.  Everything they fear, everything they hold inside them, rises to the surface and feeds their shared passion.  The outside world no longer exists.  The world could burn and they wouldn't care.  It's just the two of them, two lovers who meet again after a long time apart.  Steve frees Nat, only to take off his underwear.  He's going to explode if he doesn't touch her right away.</p><p>« Steve, please, it's killing me... » she manages to whisper.</p><p>Sometimes she wishes they'd met sooner.  Maybe he wouldn't have suffered so much.  Now all she can do is protect him so he never gets hurt again.  Without warning, Steve grabs her arms and flips her over.  He gently bites the back of her neck and licks her scapula.</p><p>« Are you ready?  »</p><p>"Yes, Steve, I beg you, please do it.  I can't take it anymore!  »</p><p>Nat buries her face in the sheets and grabs the blanket.  In this position, her back muscles are clearly visible.  Steve freezes, hypnotized by Nat's beauty, as if a Greek statue had come to life.  He shakes his head to focus again on the present moment.  Slowly, he slides his hand under Nat and takes off her panties.  This is fate.  Whatever happens now, they both want to face it together.  Together, always.  Nat would want it to last forever.  No missions, just her and Steve, loving each other for the rest of their lives.  Steve kisses her scapula once more and penetrates her.  She lets out a moan.  At first gently, he intensifies his movements, making them faster.  Trying to stay focused, Steve closes his eyes and grabs Nat's lips with his own.  He tries to put all his sensitivity into this kiss, transmitting his passion, fears and promises to the woman he loves.</p><p>« Nat, I don't know if I can... hold... on... more... »</p><p>« That's okay, honey.  Come for me.  I love you, baby.  »</p><p>They look at each other.  Moonlight reflects off Steve's eyes.  « It's the last thing I want to see before I die. » Nat thinks. It's like a galaxy.  Like a billion stars have been captured and blended into the deep blue ocean, just to create the perfect iris she's looking at right now.  She could stay for hours like that, get lost in that universe.  When they both come, Steve buries her face in Nat's neck, just to feel her more.  They're both sweating and breathing deeply.  Exhausted, Steve collapses on top of her, who takes him in her arms.  They stay here, in peace.</p><p>Five minutes later, she's alone in bed, waiting for Steve to finish showering.  She still can't believe how desperate her husband looked when he woke up earlier.</p><p>« Tasha, what are you thinking?  »</p><p>Steve's back with a towel around his waist.  He sits down on the bed and takes Nat's hands in his.  He tilts his chin and frowns, waiting for an answer.</p><p>« That's not... »</p><p>« Don't you dare say it's nothing.  I can feel it and it's not.  You've got to trust me, Nat.  We're a duo. »</p><p>Nat sighs.  Looks like she can't get away now.</p><p>« I want to go with you on your missions.  »</p><p>« Nat, we've talked about this.  I won't do it.  Having you in the field would just be a distraction for me and I can't risk losing you.  That's a no, definitely a no. »</p><p>« I could say the same thing to you.  You go away every day to protect people, and I have to wait, not knowing if you're coming back or not.  »</p><p>« This isn't a negotiation, Nat.  I said no.  You're not coming. » Steve takes a deep breath, and then he says, « Neither am I. »</p><p>« Hold on.  Wait, what?" »</p><p>« I talked to Fury yesterday.  I'm only going out on special assignments.  Like, Avengers - he's smiling - it's over.  We'll always be together from now on.  »</p><p>Nat doesn't answer but Steve can see the relief and happiness on his face.  She gets up and starts walking.  Just before she walks out the door, she turns her head.</p><p>« Round two in the shower?  »</p><p>« Nat, I just washed up.  »</p><p>« Okay, okay, okay, if you don't want to..."</p><p>« No, no!  -He joins her and drops her towel on the floor- I may have to shower again. » He replies, winking.</p><p>« So, round two?  »</p><p>Steve tilts his head and kisses Nat's temple.</p><p>« Round two. »</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Before it's too late</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Just two idiots in love </p><p>P.S: I love them </p><p>P.P.S: swearing involved- you kiss your mother with that mouth? 0.0</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>« Wanda, have you seen Nat? »</p><p>« Last time I saw her, she was in the kitchen, Clint. »</p><p>Clint makes his way to the kitchen. There's a delicious smell of cake in the air. Judging by the smell of lemon, it must be Pepper's famous lemon ginger cake. The sounds of glass resonate. The Avengers' tower, usually so quiet, is for one evening the scene of festivities. After all, it's not every day they can celebrate Hydra's fall. When Clint arrives at the door, he glances around the room and locates Nat, sitting on a stool. She seems to be in the middle of a conversation with Carol. Clint smiles. He loves to see them talking. They look like two sisters. He comes back into the living room and sits on the sofa.</p><p>« Lost in your thoughts, Hawkeye? »</p><p>Clint startles. He hadn't heard Steve coming up behind him.</p><p>« I'm just enjoying the party. I don't think that's against the law. »</p><p>Steve laughs. « No, I don't think so either. »</p><p>« Are you all right, Captain? I know this kind of party isn't really your thing. »</p><p>« It's okay, don't worry about it. Besides, it's the team. - He looks around - it's kind of like a big family reunion. Even Jarvis is in on the party. »</p><p>« Speaking of Jarvis, nothing to do with it but did you notice how close Nat and Carol have gotten? I'm so happy that Nat is finally opening up. »</p><p>Steve frowns and stares at his glass. Clint bites his lip. He's forgotten how complicated it was between Steve and Nat. For almost a month now, there's been constant tension in the air whenever they're in the same room. So much so that Clint never knows whether they're going to kiss or fight. When Nat declared her love to Steve, shortly before their attack on one of Hydra's last bases, it surprised everyone, Steve first. Not knowing what to do, Steve didn't answer and ran out of the room. Nat then closed in on herself and acted as if nothing had happened. However, Clint notices the little twitch in her hand every time Steve enters the room. He notices that no matter what happens, she manages to be not alone with Steve in the room. He notices that she never looks directly at Steve. Most importantly, he notices the look on Steve's face when he looks at Nat, the look that says it all.</p><p>« You know, you should talk to her, » he says seriously.</p><p>« Talk to who? »</p><p>« Nat, of course. »</p><p>« And why should I do that? »</p><p>« Because if this goes on and Tony gets involved, you won't be able to resist for long. I feel like he's had enough, and knowing him, he'd be able to lock you two in a room for days. You know he would. »</p><p>Steve sighs. « I didn't know it was that obvious... But I can't do this. »</p><p>« I know it's hard, but you should do it before it's too late. And by too late, I mean before Tony kills one of you OR before someone else gets in the way. »</p><p>« I'll think about it, okay? »</p><p>Steve smiles and puts his hand on Clint's shoulder. Eager for a change of scenery, he wanders around the room. There are a lot of people, the Avengers of course, but also other people he has never seen before. Without realizing it, his footsteps lead him to the side of the bar, where Nat is now in the middle of a conversation with a man. And even though he doesn't know him, Steve immediately hates him. Not wanting to be noticed, he sits on the other side of the bar.</p><p>« Jarvis, is Nat wearing her earpiece? »</p><p>« Yes, Captain. »</p><p>« Connect me. »</p><p>« I'm not sure Miss Romanoff would want- »</p><p>« Connect me, Jarvis. »</p><p>Steve turns on his own transmitter. Instantly, Nat's voice reaches him. Still talking to the man, she doesn't seem to have noticed that the red light on her earpiece has come on, symbolizing Steve's intrusion.</p><p>« So you're the famous Black Widow... », says the man as he looks around.</p><p>Nat laughs. Steve's heart misses a beat. My God, he loves that laugh.</p><p>« Yes, but before I'm the Black Widow, I'm also a woman, you know? »</p><p>« Yes, of course - the man smiles - and I guess this is where all the missions are handled from. »</p><p>Steve sighs. He never thought it would turn out this way. When he ran away, it wasn't because he didn't want to answer, but because he was really confused about his own feelings. He had only loved Peggy before, and he didn't expect to fall in love again. He had to take some time to understand his feelings before he came back. But she's been avoiding him ever since, and he hasn't found a single moment to talk to her alone. He blames himself for waiting so long. He should have dealt with the situation sooner. Maybe he's the one that would make Nat laugh tonight. Steve observes the stranger. The way he looks at her makes him want to crush his face. The man suddenly takes Nat's hand. Bad enough. What's worse, however, is that Natasha doesn't push him away. Steve feels his whole body tensing. He squeezes the edge of the table so hard that the joints of his hands are white. He focuses again on their conversation.</p><p>« Listen - the man looks at Nat's hand, still in his - I know it sounds strange but... are you seeing anyone right now? »</p><p>Steve's screaming inside. « YES! » he thinks, « SHE'S NOT AVAILABLE. »</p><p>« No, not really. »</p><p>Steve's jaw drops. Of all the answers she could have given, he never imagined it would be the one she'd choose. He's so shocked, he's paralyzed. He can't move, even when the stranger starts dragging Nat behind him and they leave the room. He knows he screwed up when he left her, but he never thought Nat would give up on him so easily. It takes several minutes before he regains his motor skills. Gathering his thoughts, he gets up and decides to follow the duo from a distance.</p><p>« Jarvis, locate them with the security cameras, please. »</p><p>Following Jarvis' instructions, Steve catches up with Nat and the stranger as they enter the elevator. They're still holding hands. By the time Steve decides whether to intervene, the doors are already closed.</p><p>« Shit... »</p><p>Cursing himself, he runs to the stairs.</p><p>« Jarvis, what floor? »</p><p>« 52nd floor, Cap. »</p><p>52nd? Does that mean... No, it doesn't. Not so fast. Not so fast. Not so fast. Steve turns his head. There's a huge 40 on the wall.</p><p>« You've got to be kidding me... »</p><p>For once, Steve's really grateful to have the serum. He walks up the stairs hoping to get there in time. When he gets there, Nat and the man are getting out of the elevator. Steve's heart misses another beat. That's what he was afraid of. He watches them stand in front of a door. Nat's room. She unlocks the door.</p><p>« Please, Natasha, don't do this... » Steve begs her silently.</p><p>They go into the room. The door closes... only to open again three seconds later, literally exploding under Steve's force.</p><p>« Steve? What the... »</p><p>Ignoring Nat, Steve concentrates on the stranger. He looks him straight in the eye, hoping he'll feel as bad as possible.</p><p>« You have exactly ten seconds to leave this room before I smash your head against the wall, » he says calmly.</p><p>The man scoffs. « And who are you to talk to me like that? Her father? I can do what I want, with whom I want. Even fucking the Black Wid- »</p><p>His sentence gets lost in his throat. Quick as lightning, Steve jumps forward and hits him with a masterful punch, sending him waltzing across the room. Nat rushes towards him, making Steve even angrier. With one hand, she helps the stranger to his feet. There's blood everywhere.</p><p>« HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND, ROGERS? »</p><p>Steve doesn't answer, he's still staring at the stranger. His whole body trembles under the influence of adrenaline and anger.</p><p>« STEVE! ANSWER ME! »</p><p>« Not now, Nat. »</p><p>« STE- »</p><p>« I SAID NOT NOW! »</p><p>She takes a step back, in shock. It's the first time she's ever heard Steve scream. She looks at the man.</p><p>« You'd better go fix your nose. I'll call you later. »</p><p>The stranger does not answer and leaves the room without further ado. She looks at him, before turning to Steve. The latter, still trembling, turns his back on her and starts walking towards the door.</p><p>« Don't even think about leaving, Rogers! »</p><p>Steve freezes. Slowly, he turns around and faces the woman he loves.</p><p>« What do you want, Natasha? »</p><p>« What do I want? What do I WANT? I should be asking you that! First, you come here, you interrupt me and BY ALL THE GODS WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO COME HERE? I do what I want! »</p><p>« Oh come on! A month ago you told me you loved me and now you're flirting with this guy? »</p><p>« Don't put this on me! You're the one who ran away, you're the one who abandoned me, IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT! »</p><p>« I ran away because I needed to understand my feelings, not because I didn't want you! »</p><p>« Oh, so I was supposed to figure this out on my own? I'm sorry I'm not a genius then. » Nat replies, openly mocking Steve.</p><p>« Excuse me, but what kind of person changes their mind so quickly? »</p><p>« YOU. ABANDONED. ME! »</p><p>Steve moves fast towards Nat.</p><p>« I didn't abandon you! You didn't even give me a chance to talk to you! You've been avoiding me for weeks! When was I supposed to answer? »</p><p>« When I asked you! It was the right time! »</p><p>« So you're saying that now it's too late? »</p><p>« Yeah it-, wait, what? »</p><p>Natasha looks at Steve, half lost, half shocked. Steve notices hope in her eyes. He sighs.</p><p>« Can I answer you now or is it too late? »</p><p>She frowns. « There's nothing to say to Steve. I get it. You don't love me, I get it. No need to run away again. »</p><p>Even though she's faking it, Steve can hear the pain in her voice. It breaks his heart to see her suffering and to know that he's the cause. That's why he can't wait any longer. With one step, he walks the few inches that separate him from her. Slowly, he takes her face in his hands and presses her lips against Nat's. It's Nat's turn to freeze. She doesn't know how to react. She doesn't know if she wants to forgive Steve. But the feeling of Steve's lips against hers - that feeling - is the best thing she's ever felt. Steve doesn't just kiss her. He tastes her, taking everything from her soul. Steve is in heaven. The softness of Nat's skin under his fingers, the warmth of his lips, the closeness of their bodies... Steve feels like he's lived only for this moment. He gently bites Nat's lower lip, and she lets out a moan. Suddenly, she pushes Steve away, breathing heavily.</p><p>« Please, Steve, don't do this. » She whispers.</p><p>« Don't do what? »</p><p>« Don't give me hope. Don't give me hope and then leave me. I mean, I think... I can't... I can't take it. Not one more time. »</p><p>Steve smiles. Taking Nat's cheek in his hand, he presses his forehead against hers and whispers:</p><p>« I promise I'll never leave you again. I'm all yours, from this day until my last day. I need you to be complete. I need you to live. I want to grow old with you, to laugh with you, to cry with you. I want to see your future because you're full of surprises and I love that. I want your fights to be mine, I want to fix your mistakes, I want to heal your heart. And most of all, I want you to be mine. I'm really sorry I made you suffer like that, it wasn't meant to be, but it still wasn't fair. I promise I'll make it up to you if you give me a chance. »</p><p>Steve feels something wet on his fingers. He looks up at Nat crying.</p><p>« You know what would be nice? » She asks him slowly, tears still coming out of her eyes.</p><p>« No? »</p><p>« That you always carry tissues with you. » she lets out with a watery smile.</p><p>« Oh, my God, Nat... »</p><p>Steve hugs her. She wraps her arms around Steve's chest and buries her face in his neck. Steve runs his hand through Nat's messy hair. No matter how long they stay like that, she just wants to take advantage of their closeness, while Steve focuses on her breathing, stroking her hair to calm her down. After a while, Nat's breathing finally returns to normal. She places her hands on Steve's chest and gently pushes him away. Steve looks at her worried. She notices him and soothes him:</p><p>« Don't worry, I'm all right. I'm fine. I just need to go to the bathroom to look human again. »</p><p>Her eyes are still red and puffy. She looks like someone who hasn't slept for several days. Her hair is a mess, although Steve is no stranger to it.</p><p>« Alright, I'll wait here for you. »</p><p>She nods and goes to the bathroom. Five minutes later, she's ready. She comes back to Steve, who's sitting on his bed.</p><p>« Let's just go, okay? » Nat says to Steve, offering her hand.</p><p>Without hesitation, Steve takes it. « Yeah, let's do it. »</p><p>When they enter the party room again, hand in hand, Tony elbows Clint and nods in their direction.</p><p>He says, « Look over there. »</p><p>Clint turns his head and spots the newest couple. Tony looks at him with amused eyes and a smile on his face.</p><p>« It's about time, don't you think? »</p><p>Clint laughs and nods. Yeah, it's about time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Tell me what you thought about it! ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Return</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steve goes to return the stone. He has another goal in mind.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>« Are you ready, Steve? »</p><p>Steve nods. He's standing in the center of the miniature version of Tony's time machine. He's standing there, waiting for Bruce to see him back in the past to return the infinity stones to their original places.</p><p>« Don't forget to return them at the exact moment we borrowed them. »</p><p>« Yes, I know, I know. »</p><p>They've been over this a million times. Every stone must be returned to the exact moment it was taken. That's something the ancient one insisted on when the Hulk took the Stone of Time in 2012.</p><p>« Okay... » Bruce starts typing on the machine keyboard. « Initiating miniaturization sequence... Going down in 3...2...1... »</p><p>« Good luck, Steve, » Bucky says.</p><p>Steve smiles and deploys his helmet.</p><p>« Now! »</p><p>And there he goes.</p><p>« Okay... » Bruce reverses the levers « back in 3...2...1... »</p><p>He pushes the button and... nothing. Steve's not there.</p><p>« Bruce, where's Steve? » Bucky asks him, frowning.</p><p>« I don't know, I don't understand! He should be here! » Bruce yells out.</p><p>« Try again! » Sam commands him.</p><p>Bruce keeps trying and trying but nothing works.</p><p>« I don't get it! It's all right, the lights are green, there's power so why isn't he here? »</p><p>« There must be something wrong somewhere! » Bucky yells.</p><p>Suddenly, the machine cracks. The power is at its maximum and the brightness is so high that the three friends have to hide their eyes. When this one is back to normal, something is lying on the floor.</p><p>« NATASHA » Bruce exclaims as he runs towards the machine.</p><p>Natasha's body is there, still in her suit. There's blood in her hair and she seems to be in pain, but just seeing her chest move up and down gives Bruce more joy than he could have imagined. He takes her in his arms and runs inside to take her to the medical team.</p><p>« Please take good care of her! »</p><p>« Bruce! There's something wrong with the machine again! »</p><p>Bruce goes back outside and looks at the machine, which starts to break again like minutes before. Once again, something appears.</p><p>« Steve! » Bucky runs out and helps his friend who's having trouble getting up. « How'd you do it? How did you get her back? »</p><p>« Is she... is she okay? » He worries.</p><p>« She needs a lot of care, but she should be fine. »</p><p>Steve lets his tears flow. He did. He succeeded. She's back. Understanding, Bucky doesn't say a word.</p><p>« Let's go meet her, shall we? »</p><p>Steve agrees. Following his best friend, he walks through the headquarters. After all, he couldn't leave his better half behind, could he?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know is is very short but I am thinking about doing a part two, tell me what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Return Part II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Natasha is back from the dead but each action has its consequences...</p>
<p>P.S: Dialogues in italics are spoken in Russian :)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>*one year later*</p>
<p>Amnesia. She has amnesia. Steve still can't believe it. She doesn't remember anything. Not a single memory. Well, she does remember some things. The Red Room. That's all she remembers. The rest is nothing. Nothing left of the Natasha who fought with him when Bucky found them. Nothing remains of the Natasha who threw herself into the fight with Thanos. Nothing remains of the Natasha who threw herself off a cliff to bring back humanity. Only remains the cold, implacable, fearless, murderer who does not hesitate. It's been a year. A year since Steve's heart has started bleeding, his soul deserting his body again. A year he's been suffering. He had so much hope, so much joy when he brought her back. But it's over. He's all alone, lying on his bed at HQ, alone in a sea of darkness. Hope is gone.</p>
<p>At first everything was fine. Certainly not in the sense of a big fiesta either, but good enough that for the first time in a long time, he felt light.</p>
<p>« Let's go join her, shall we? » Bucky had told him.</p>
<p>After nodding, they both went to the medical wing of the HQ to meet Natasha. All around her, a whole team of doctors were busy.</p>
<p>« A bag of blood quickly! »</p>
<p>« Watch out for her ribs, they're broken! »</p>
<p>« THERE'S COMPRESSION ON HER RIGHT LUNG, WE HAVE TO OPEN! »</p>
<p>« SHIT, INTERNAL BLEEDING! SUCTION! »</p>
<p>She was on the operating table for a week, with surgeons taking turns to repair as best they could her body destroyed by the fall. Over time, the doctors managed to bring her back together. Steve didn't move an inch, spending those days and nights looking out the window. Gradually, the other Avengers came. He saw Clint go by, crying... Wanda, relieved to be reunited with the woman she considered her sister... Even Carol, who had come for a quick visit to make sure everything was all right... But to be honest, he didn't care. All he cared about was the red-haired woman lying across from him. Her and her alone. After a week of struggle and anguish, a nurse finally came to tell her that she was stable and had already started to heal herself. That's how he found out that Natasha had a version of his serum. Thanks to this serum, Natasha's immune system was already starting to heal itself, and very quickly, her bones were starting to heal and her cuts were starting to close.</p>
<p>Three months. That's how long it took for her body to fully recover. Three months was the time it took to spend Steve sitting in a chair beside his bed, holding her hand relentlessly as if he was afraid it would fly away again. There had been no complications, no signs, nothing. Just the movement of her chest up and down and the infernal beeping of the machine that kept her alive. That's all Steve saw for three months. He refused to go out, refused to be occupied, refused to be entertained. Pepper came to visit him, without Morgan. They didn't say a word. She simply put her hand on Steve's shoulder and Steve took her hand in his. Sadness and hope bound them together. After all, Natasha was still the first of the Avengers to approach Tony. She had taken care of him at one point, and Pepper was more than grateful. She had stayed, silently passing on her support. That's all Steve needed.</p>
<p>It was after things got bad. He'd fallen asleep in the damn chair again when he felt a slight pressure on his hand. He looked up to meet Natasha's emerald eyes for the first time in ages. She looked at him, stared at him, her eyes confused. He immediately called the nurse, but just as he was about to say hello, she stood up and attacked him. He had a hard time defending himself, partly because he didn't want to hurt her, partly because he hadn't had any physical activity for more than three months, while Natasha seemed to have just come out of an intensive training camp. It took 3 men as well as Steve to get her properly attached to her bed. After another round of tests, the doctor came back to talk to Steve.</p>
<p>« Doctor, please tell me what's going on. » Steve then asked the Chief Medical Officer.</p>
<p>«  It's not simple, Captain. You see, when she fell, and then with the operations, Natasha's brain went without oxygen for a long time, causing some damage, more or less deep. »</p>
<p>« Deeper or less? DEEPER OR LESS? What the hell are you talking about???? I want to know what's happening to my wife! »</p>
<p>The doctor frowned when he heard Steve call Natasha 'his wife' but he gave him such a look that he refrained from making any remarks.</p>
<p>« She regressed. Regressed in the sense that under pressure, her brain erased all her memories in order to survive. In the same way that a computer reverts to the last backup when it crashes or has a problem, Natasha's brain erased her memory to the last viable point it could find. That point is somewhere around the time of the Red Room. Before she even met Clint. »</p>
<p>Steve sat down and let out a cry. That was not possible. Anything but this! She didn't know him. She didn't know him anymore. Two strangers. That's what they had become. Slowly, the doctor spoke again.</p>
<p>« Look Captain, we have no idea whether her condition is permanent or not. She may regain her memory tomorrow or she may never regain it. We have no idea. Sometimes all it takes is stimulation: smell, sound, action, to bring it all back, but we have no certainty about that. The human brain remains a mystery even to the best of us. But one thing's for sure, she'll need your support. You're the person who was closest to her before all this, despite the differences. Somewhere deep down inside, she knows that. Help her remember that. »</p>
<p>And so he did. The best he could. For almost nine months, he resisted, stood by her side. Her brain had returned to a far enough distance that she spoke only Russian. So he learned Russian so that he could talk to her. In the beginning it was a real disaster. Always on the defensive, she never spoke. Spent her days in the training room. Walked away when he approached. Then, little by little, he managed to get her to give up her roadblocks. It can't be said that mad love had returned, but at least they talked a little.</p>
<p>
  <i>« How are you today? »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« Well, thank you, Steve. »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« If you need me, I'll be here. »</i>
</p>
<p>These were the only words she spoke to him all day, but Steve knew that her temperament was not the discussion, no matter which Natasha was in front of him. So that was more than enough for him.</p>
<p>But once again, just when he thought he was getting his heart back, fate came at them. As she was training, Natasha caught her feet in her slightly undone shoelace and fell headfirst, hitting her forehead on the ground. Steve rushed to her side.</p>
<p>
  <i>« Natasha, are you all right? »</i>
</p>
<p><i>« Yes, I... I... I... AH STEVE IT HURTS! »</i> she screamed holding her head.</p>
<p>Unable to bear the pain, she fainted. Steve carried her to the medical wing and she was taken care of by doctors. After making sure she was safe and well, he went home to sleep for a few hours. Big mistake. For he had forgotten one essential thing about assassins. When they feel threatened, they retreat strategically, a defensive reflex. And so, when he came back to get her in the morning, she was gone.</p>
<p>And so was his heart.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Maybe a part three? Skskkskk who knows... Let me know what you thought about it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Return Part III</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Natasha is gone. Is it really the end or is there still hope for them?</p>
<p>Last part of the small "return" story ;)</p>
<p>Warning: smut (explicit)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dialogues in italic are spoken in Russian. Enjoy &lt;3<br/>•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••</p>
<p>Everything. She remembers everything.</p>
<p>When she woke up in the hospital room, she was a little lost at first. For one thing, what was she doing alive when she should be dead? Every single moment she spent with the Avengers was again etched in her memory. The Red Room. Clint. SHIELD, Tony. Natalie Rushman. New York in 2012. Ultron. Civil War, their rip-off. Thanos. Her fall. The desperate look on Clint's face as she fell. And Steve. Steve, whom she had loved so much that she was unable to betray him, even in the darkest hour. How could she forget Steve? Still, there was something missing, though. She looked around the room and looked at her medical records. She opened it and went through it all. Apparently, it had already been 11 months since she had come back to life. Three months in a coma and nine months of training. She was brought here after a fall and fainting. She couldn't remember her period of amnesia for that much. The last nine months had simply faded from her memory. Good, she preferred that rather than forgetting her whole life. Suddenly her eyes fell on the name of the person who had vouched for her. Steve. Once again, she had managed to get Steve into trouble. Once again, he had sacrificed himself for her. Never again. So she did what she should have done from the beginning. She buried her feelings deep inside herself, and she disappeared.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>She took refuge in the only place in the world where she felt safe, other than HQ. Russia. The cold air, the smell of snow... She missed it. In the early days, she wandered aimlessly from village to village, sleeping in the homes of those who would take her in or in some of her old hideouts. Then she had found the old lady in whose house she had taken refuge another time and had decided to stay with her, which the old lady had gladly accepted. When she retired, she spent her days knitting gloves, hats and other warm clothes to sell them and earn a few pennies. Not much to brag about in a palace, but it was more than enough for the two of them, especially since Natasha had taken the precaution of emptying her account before leaving.<p>So her days were all the same. In the morning, she woke up at 7 a.m. to make breakfast. Toast and jam/peanut butter for Natasha. Then the old lady would give her everything she had knitted the day before and Natasha would go and open the little shop on the street. It was a pretty simple life, but one that now suited her completely. She was convinced that Steve was much better off without her, even though thinking about him would tear her heart out every time.</p>
<p>And so there she is on a cloudy afternoon, selling knitwear. She looks down at the street, completely deserted. She senses that this is going to be a particularly long day. She watches the minutes go by, until it is time to close up the shop. She tidies everything up properly and walks quietly back to the little house.</p>
<p>She says <i>« Good evening »</i> and is greeted by the old lady as she enters.</p>
<p>
  <i>« Good evening, my dear. How was your day? »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« Quietly. There was hardly anyone around. »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« That's normal, darling. It's almost Christmas. People don't go out much anymore to save money. »</i>
</p>
<p>Her eyes widens. Christmas soon? That means she has been living here for almost six months. Six months without seeing Steve. Pain invades her chest, but she doesn't show it. However, it doesn't escape the lady, who bends over.</p>
<p>
  <i>« My dear, is there something you wish to tell me? »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« No, not really. »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« Natalia, I'm old and I wasn't born yesterday. I've seen that look hundreds of times. Who? »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« A friend, I think. I don't even know anymore. We worked together. »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« A friend, you think? Now, my dear, it's even worse than I thought. »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« What do you mean? »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« That you've been wasting your time with me for six months instead of being with him. »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« He doesn't love me... »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« You don't know that. If you need me, I'll be there, but as an elderly person with authority, I order you to go see him. »</i>
</p>
<p><i>« If you need me, I'll be here... »</i> she repeats softly. Why does that phrase sound so familiar? <i>« If you need me, I'll be here... »</i></p>
<p>Suddenly, a flood of images invades her mind. The training room at HQ. She, running as always. Steve passing by.</p>
<p>
  <i>« How are you today? »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« Well, thank you, Steve. »</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>« If you need me, I'll be here. »</i>
</p>
<p>Russian? Since when does Steve speak Russian? Then suddenly she understands. He hasn't given up. He never stopped fighting for her. He brought her back. He came to get her on Vormir. He was there when she didn't know who he was. He didn't let go. Not for one second. Trembling, she looks at the old lady, who gives her a sympathetic smile.</p>
<p>
  <i>« There's a plane at 10:10. You can still catch it if you hurry. »</i>
</p>
<p>Nat smiles, whispers a silent thank you and rushes outside. She runs as fast as she can to the city centre and hails a taxi. She will make it. She'll see him again. And she'll get her happy ending, she swears.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Steve's looking up at the ceiling. Again. She left her six months and two days ago. Pain, suffering, fatigue. That's all he feels. Took him a long time to accept the fact that she wasn't coming back. She's probably somewhere in Russia, where no one can come looking for her. Although it's causing him a lot of pain, he decided to respect her choice. All he wants is her happiness. He's scanning the ceiling again. All night long he watches it, he knows it by heart, from the little stain in the top left corner to the impact in the middle. He looks at his alarm clock. 5:32. Another sleepless night. He turns on his side and closes his eyes. Suddenly there's a knock on his door. He stands up and grabs his shield. He's been holding on to it ever since Tony gave it back to him. Who would come to see him at an hour like this? Quietly he creeps behind the door and opens it, ready to defend himself. He opens and freezes. His heart's on the edge of his lips and his stomach's twisting. In disbelief, he raises his head and loses the use of speech. He looks up and meets eyes. Emerald eyes.<div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>* five minutes earlier *<p>Natasha really doesn't know what she's doing here.</p>
<p>After what seemed like hours, the plane finally landed at JFK and she rushed to HQ to see if he was there. Unfortunately, according to the officers there, he hadn't been there in weeks. She swore inwardly.</p>
<p>« Where the hell are you, Steve? »</p>
<p>She went to Steve's room. Nothing had moved. She laid on his bed and looked at the time. 21h43. Where the hell was he? She hugged Steve's pillow against her. His scent reached her. God, that fresh peppermint smell... She closed her eyes and without realizing it, she fell asleep.</p>
<p>She woke up a few hours later when she felt eyes watching her. She got up to find Maria Hill, completely frozen as she watched her. Her gaze was so absent that Natasha thought she was dead.</p>
<p>« Uh, Maria? Hello? »</p>
<p>« You've come back... » she whispered.</p>
<p>Nat didn't answer, simply because she had no excuse. She knew that, by leaving Steve, she had also left behind other people she cared about. She closed her eyes and was about to respond when she felt two arms wrapped around her chest.  She opened her eyes again to find Maria glued to her with her head on her shoulder.</p>
<p>« I missed you. »</p>
<p>Nat put one hand on Maria's back and made big circles.</p>
<p>« I never thought I'd say this, but I missed you too, Maria. »</p>
<p>Pulling herself together, Maria walked away and looked at Nat.</p>
<p>« Nice to have you back with us again, Romanoff. »</p>
<p>Natasha grinned. There was the commander she knows. </p>
<p>« I'm glad I'm here, Hill. How's Fury? »</p>
<p>« Fine, as long as it's Fury and he never talks about his feelings. He doesn't say it, but he's been grumpier since you left. »</p>
<p>Nat couldn't help but smile. It sounds so... Fury-esque.</p>
<p>« However, » Maria enchaines. « I guess you're not here for me or Fury. So what changed your mind? Or should I say who? »</p>
<p>Natasha blushed and looked out the window. Maria handed her a piece of paper. On it was an address. Natasha jumped for joy.</p>
<p>« Maria, you're the best! » she jumped on top of him and kissed her on the cheek. « I owe you one! »</p>
<p>« Better Romanoff, now, go for him. »</p>
<p>Natasha looked at the alarm clock. 5:00 sharp. It'll take her about 30 minutes to get to Steve. Great. Perfect.</p>
<p>And so there she is at Steve's door at 5:32 in the morning. And she has no idea what to do. What if he rejects her like she rejected him? It would make sense to them. But she doesn't want that kind of thought, so she takes her courage in her stride and knocks on the door. She hears a thud, as if someone has jumped. She's about to leave, convinced that he'll never open the door when she's face to face with him. She looks up and looks into his eyes. Right into those ocean eyes.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>It's Steve who breaks the silence first.<p>« Natasha I- »</p>
<p>She cuts him off by placing a hand over his mouth.</p>
<p>« Please, Steve, let me do the talking. »</p>
<p>He nods gently, signing that he would not interrupt her. Then suddenly he realizes something.</p>
<p>« Wait, wait, wait, wait! »</p>
<p>He looks into the emerald eyes once more. And he sees her. The Natasha who fought with him when Bucky found them. The Natasha who threw herself into the battle against Thanos. The Natasha who threw herself off a cliff to bring back mankind. She's standing in front of him. She has that spark in her eyes again. Steve is so relieved that tears are flowing on their own. He takes a trembling step towards her, but his legs can't carry him anymore. He collapses and Natasha catches him by placing Steve's head on her shoulder. Steve wraps her in his arms trembling.</p>
<p>« N-Natasha is... it's... it's you! » he exclaims.</p>
<p>« Yes, it's me... - she takes a deep breath - Steve, I'm... I'm sorry. When I woke up six months ago, I remembered everything... and I was scared. Because once again, I had stopped you from living your life. You brought me back. But I couldn't remember the time I had amnesia. I left, because I thought you deserved better than all this, better than me. I went to Russia. And then two days ago, I got my memory back. All of it. And I knew. I knew that no matter what happened, I would always come back to you. Because it's written. Because you became my story. I had nothing, you know. And then I had this family. It was more than I expected. When Clint introduced me to Fury, and then when the Avengers were created, I had hope. For the first time, I thought I could be more than the assassin they'd made me out to be. But look at me. I'll always be haunted by my ghosts. I can't let go. I have no future, there's no future with me. I can't have children, Steve. - She's hugging herself - I've only told Bruce, so please keep it a secret. In the Red Room where I trained, there's a sort of... ceremony at the end. They sterilize us all. Quite effective. It makes things easier. Especially when killing. No stopping during missions. It's always the same thing. Like I said, no future. Then I need to know. Why do you need to know? Why are you going to all this trouble to keep me here? »</p>
<p>Steve's voice is just a whisper, but it feels like a slap in the face to Natasha.</p>
<p>« Because you are my everything. Because living without you is meaningless. Because I know you are my definition of happiness. Because I know that I want to have you every morning of my life, even when you're sick, grumpy, sulky or happy. I want to see you grow old, I want to see you happy. With me or without me. Because there's only you. Just you. It's always been you, from the moment we first saw each other. You. »</p>
<p>He stands up and looks at her. She looks away, hesitant.</p>
<p>« You... Are you seeing anyone right now? »</p>
<p>He smiles and looks up to the sky. He delicately takes his face in his hands. They're exactly the size of Natasha's jaw, as if they were made for this. He gently approaches her face and captures Natasha's upper lip between his own. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, enjoying the sensation. It's exactly as she had imagined. Steve's lips are soft and welcoming, offering a new sense of security. Steve moves his lips to close them again, capturing Natasha. Their lips move, dancing in a slow, soothing rhythm. Natasha feels her stomach leaping. It terrifies her but she can't help but ask for more. She presses her tongue against Steve's mouth between kisses. Almost immediately, Steve's tongue joins hers, joining the dance. Fireworks explode in Steve's chest while butterflies ravage Natasha's stomach. Steve interrupts the kiss without moving away.</p>
<p>« Tasha, I... »</p>
<p>« Yeah, me too. Please, please! »</p>
<p>Steve grabs Natasha's thighs and lifts her up. She wraps them around Steve's waist and kisses his neck. Steve carries her inside and closes the door with a heel. He goes to the bed where he sits, Natasha straddles him. She takes off her jacket and drops it on the floor. Steve grabs Nat's hips and slides his hands under her blouse. Her skin is so soft... He climbs up along her ribs, lifting Nat's top as he passes, and bends over to kiss her belly. Natasha's breathing quickens and Steve smiles against her skin. He likes the effect he has on her. He gently moves up, brushing Natasha's delicate skin with his lips and completely removes her top. God, she's beautiful. He kisses the hollow between her breasts and she tangles her fine fingers in Steve's hair. His body is boiling. Unconsciously, she begins to move her hips against Steve's hips, who lets out a moan. He tips over and she is trapped underneath him. He slides Natasha's leather pants down her legs and sends them across the room. She is now only in her underwear.</p>
<p>« It's not fair... » she whispers as she looks at him.</p>
<p>« What's not right? »</p>
<p>« You're still fully dressed... »</p>
<p>Steve laughs softly before he takes off his shirt.</p>
<p>« Is this better? »</p>
<p>« I'm actually starting to like it, » she bites her lip.</p>
<p>Steve brings his face down to Natasha's crotch and kisses her over her panties. Natasha lets out a moan and arches. Steve gives her a sadistic smile, but he relentlessly kisses her over her underwear.</p>
<p>« Steve... » she whispers in a hoarse voice. « More... please. »</p>
<p>Steve bites his lip and gets rid of the piece of cloth. He comes close again and gently kisses her inner thigh. Nat bends over to bring her body closer to Steve's. He then tenderly sucks her clitoris, while he gently inserts two fingers inside her, before starting to move back and forth. Nat grabs the sheets. Her whole body burns as Steve speeds up. As she nears the climax, Steve stops. She's out of breath.</p>
<p>« Please, Steve, don't stop... »</p>
<p>He goes up to her and kisses her languidly.</p>
<p>« Don't worry, I'm not done with you... »</p>
<p>He gets rid of his trousers and ends up only in his boxers before getting back on her. All she has on her is her bra, which Steve quickly takes off. He takes her breasts tenderly in his hands and pinches the tip. She moans and twists, her body going through uncontrollable shivers and spasms. Suddenly, with a strength he didn't know she had, she tips him over and he lies on his back.</p>
<p>« It's my turn to torture you, » she whispers in his ear before attacking his neck.</p>
<p>Steve closes his eyes. With her lips, she traces a path from his neck to his abs before licking his lower abdomen. With her right hand, she caresses his already swollen boxer shorts, which has the electrifying effect of making him moan. She slides her fingers under the edge of his boxer shorts and pulls them down very slowly, leaving kisses on every inch of newly exposed skin.  Steve's in agony, his breath jerking and running. Natasha finishes getting him out of his boxers before grabbing him and slowly masturbating him.</p>
<p>« Nat-Natasha, stop- stop... I'm gonna... »</p>
<p>Natasha stops and lets him catch his breath. She slowly makes her way back to him and places one leg on each side of Steve. She sits on top of him, letting him penetrate her completely. They both let out a long moan. They both freeze for a few long seconds, before Nat starts to move her hips again. Passive at first, Steve suddenly stands up and grabs her buttocks. He imposes a faster pace, which Natasha doesn't seem to mind. With every kidney stroke, every hip swing, Steve feels like he's one with her. He blends into her with delight, and watching her as she straddles him gives him more excitement than he's ever felt before. Her red hair cascades down her shoulders and touches her breasts. Another thrill runs through her and Steve can't resist. He kisses her gently on her chest, leaving little purple marks where his lips rest.</p>
<p>Natasha is the first to come. Steve looks at her as her body tightens over him. Her head has fallen back and she is breathing heavily. Steve waits for her to calm down, a reassuring hand on her back and then starts to lift her up to get her away from him.</p>
<p>« N-No wait, » she says.</p>
<p>« Tasha, just rest, it's okay. »</p>
<p>« No, I want... I want to finish this. I want to. »</p>
<p>She tilts them to find herself on her back and looks at him to continue. Steve resumes his movement between her thighs, while Natasha gently sucks her neck.</p>
<p>"Natasha, can I... I mean, can I... inside? »</p>
<p>She kisses him tenderly.</p>
<p>« Don't worry, » she whispers to him, « it's okay. »</p>
<p>A few more thrusts and it's Steve's turn to tense while he enjoys her. He rolls over and lays next to Natasha on the mattress. She wraps her arms around his chest and lays her head on his chest. He gently strokes her hair. Long minutes pass before one of them breaks the silence.</p>
<p>« You know, a while ago, Tony advised me to live a simple life. And I'd never really thought about it. But now I've... I think it might just happen. »</p>
<p>Natasha thinks before she answers.</p>
<p>« Steve, Fury probably already knows I'm back. He's going to want me to go back to work and honestly... I don't know if I can live without it. I'll never be the quiet woman in the kitchen, it's not me. »</p>
<p>« I know it's not you and I'd never ask you to leave S.H.I.E.L.D., but... » He reaches out his arm and grabs a box from the drawer. Natasha looks at him stunned. « I've had it for five years... I never had the courage to ask you. But I never want to lose you again, I never want to let you go, you're too important - he looks her in the eye - please. Be mine until the end of time. »</p>
<p>She smiles at him and kisses him.</p>
<p>« Do I take that as a yes? »</p>
<p>She nods before kissing him again. He hugs her tightly, protective.</p>
<p>And Steve kept his promise. He never let her go again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments and thoughts appreciated &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Stay with me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: PTSD, Panic attack</p><p>It's short but still really meaningful for me &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>« You want some? »</p><p>Steve opens his mouth to grab the popcorn that Nat's holding between her fingers.</p><p>« Yikes, it's so salty. »</p><p>« Come on, don't be a baby, Rogers. »</p><p>« You mean Romanoff-Rogers? »</p><p>« No. You're just Rogers when you're acting like a baby. »</p><p>Steve grunts and starts mumbling into his beard. Nat only understands words like « worst woman ever » and « I'm not a baby ».</p><p>« Shh, honey, it was a joke. You know I love you. »</p><p>Nat strokes Steve's hair and looks out the window. It's a really beautiful day. The sun is up and the trees are dancing in the wind. For once, Nat and Steve are both at home enjoying each other's company. These moments are very rare because they always have a busy schedule. They have been watching movies and TV shows while eating popcorn for four hours already. Nat is lying on the couch, Steve is lying on her lap and his head is resting on Nat's chest. Steve loves being in this position. He doesn't know why, but Natasha is a very comfortable pillow. He loves to hear her heartbeat right next to his ear. He loves the feeling of his head going up and down, in rythm with Nat's breathing. He finds it extremely relaxing and could stay like this all day.</p><p>« You want to change the channel? » she asks.</p><p>« Do what you want, babe, I don't care. »</p><p>Nat starts to swipe between channels. Steve closes his eyes and focuses on the sounds coming from the TV. He feels like he could fall asleep like that and never want to wake up. Now there are different sounds. Nat must have changed channels again. There's one shot and one explosion after another. A plane takes off, but pretty soon it crashes.</p><p>« Mayday, Mayday, - shouts the pilot- I'm losing control, I'm going to crash! »</p><p>Flashbacks and short images come to his mind. Airplane. Him as a pilot. The ocean rapidly approaching as he rushes towards it. Water, so much water, too much water. He's going to crash, he's going-.</p><p>« Steve, STEVE, oh, my God, what's wrong? Steve, can you hear me? »</p><p>Steve hears Nat's voice, but he can't answer. It seems so far away and the ocean is just coming closer.</p><p>« Steve, please talk to me, I swear- »</p><p>Steve tries to answer, but his mouth is full of water. The cold liquid is filling his nose, tearing his lungs apart, numbing his body. He feels so heavy. A billion tortured arms seem to be dragging him to the bottom of the ocean. He's going to die. He doesn't want to die.</p><p>It seems like a year has passed before he opens his eyes again and air enters his lungs. He doesn't remember how, but Nat managed to move him. They're still on the couch, but now they're facing each other and Nat is straddling him. They're holding each other, Steve's face buried in Nat's neck as she strokes his hair. His body's still shaking. His fingers are white as he's clutching Nat's blouse so tightly. He's even managed to make holes in it. It's completely destroyed.</p><p>Nat sighs with relief.</p><p>« It's over, baby. Just keep breathing. You're safe, I promise you, just breathe. »</p><p>Steve focuses on the voice of his beloved. « I'm sorry, » that's all he can whisper.</p><p>« Please don't be, » she says. « I'm sorry, I should have known better. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. »</p><p>« It's...okay...just...need...you... »</p><p>« Shh, I'm right here. »</p><p>« Sorry about your shirt. »</p><p>« Oh, don't worry. You don't like it, I get it. »</p><p>Steve laughs. He's feeling better. However...</p><p>« Can we stay like this for a little while longer? » he asks her.</p><p>« For as long as you want, my love. Eternity, if it pleases you. »</p><p>Steve smiles.</p><p>« Eternity with you sounds like a good deal. »</p><p>He hugs his better half with all his strength. Yeah, eternity sounds really great to him. Sounds perfect. After all, who wouldn't want to feel at home forever?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Give your thoughts!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Whatever It takes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>No warnings for this one!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rogers House, 6:00. The only sound which can be heard is the crackling of butter in a frying pan. A delicious smell of sugar slowly spreads throughout the room. Alone in a comfortable jogging suit and a white T-shirt, Steve prepares pancakes for dinner. For the first time in 6 months, all the Avengers finally get together for something other than a mission. When Nat sent out the invitation, she told them to be here at 8:00 pm, so that gives him two hours to get ready. That's long enough. He flips over a pancake with a whistle and a smile on his face. He's happy about this little party. All he has to do is finish this and then he'll go take a shower. Carol said she'd pick James up from school so everything's going to be okay. Nat should be here any minute. Steve's looking at the ring he's wearing. It's all happened so fast since they got married two years ago. Nat's been very insistent that he comes live with her in the house. In fact, she literally took all his stuff from his old apartment and brought it here without asking him. He remembers how confused he was when he found the apartment completely empty. Almost empty, because there was only a business card left upstairs with the address written on it. However, he still wonders how well he adapted to the situation and to his new life. Living with Nat is anything but a burden. It's exciting, charming, wonderful, yes! But certainly not a burden. They've even managed to adopt a child. Since Nat couldn't have a child, it was the only way they found to start a family anyway. The first time they met James, they loved him. Despite his young age, he is very mature and already shows an interest in science, which makes « Uncle Tony », as the billionaire calls himself, particularly happy. This morning, James could not stay still, too excited about the upcoming party.</p><p>« Will everyone be there? Like, everyone? Uncle Bruce, Uncle Thor, Aunt Wanda... » he asked, his eyes full of hope.</p><p>Nat laughed.</p><p>« Yes, sweetheart! -She put her hand on James' head. - Everyone will be there. »</p><p>« YEAHHHHHHHHHH! -he jumped for joy- AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! » he shouted, his fist closed, waving it towards the sky as if he wanted to fly away.</p><p>« Are you ready for school James? » Steve asked him. « Is your bag ready? »</p><p>« Yes, Daddy, it is! »</p><p>« So, let's go, honey! » Said Nat, clapping his hands.</p><p>James started to get out but just before he left he stopped and turned around.</p><p>« And Auntie Carol... Auntie Carol will be here tonight, won't she? » he whispered, his voice suddenly shaking.</p><p>« She's part of the team, so yes, she's coming. Why are you asking me this? »</p><p>« Because... I saw her crying alone once and I don't know why. You know, Daddy? You know why Auntie Carol is sad? »</p><p>Steve's face darkened and he looked at Nat, a silent question in his eyes. She looked as confused as he did.</p><p>« No, buddy, I don't know. »</p><p>« She's gonna be okay, honey. I promise you she will. » Nat soothed the worried child with one hand on his shoulder.</p><p>« Okay, Mommy, I trust you. »</p><p>For two seconds, James seemed lost in thought. And then all of a sudden, his face lit up.</p><p>« I know what to do! »</p><p>He ran outside.</p><p>« James, wait... » Nat followed him.</p><p>Steve closed the door. He couldn't get past what James had said. Carol, crying? That would be very unusual. He tried to remember all the last memories he had of her, but as far as he could remember, he hadn't detected any kind of sadness. Carol hadn't stopped being... well, Carol. How could he miss that? His phone rang. A message from Nat.</p><p>« Hey, honey. James told me what he had in mind. He wants to use the party to talk to Carol and I think maybe we should let him. For Carol's sake. I called Wanda and she explained what was going on with her. She gets lonely a lot, even if she doesn't show it. That's why she's taken on so many missions recently, even though she could be hurt. She's seen us become a family, and she loves James very much, but... She's lonely. She barely sleeps and I feel like it's kind of our fault because we haven't really been paying attention these past few months. To remedy this, James wants to offer Carol a room to sleep with us in the house. There are plenty of empty rooms, and I don't see how that would bother us. Still, I wanted to ask you if it's okay before I say yes. If you want to talk about it, give me a call. Love u, N »</p><p>Steve looked at his phone and sighed. That's why Carol had accepted all these assignments. Why didn't she come to see him? He could have helped, he could have... He picked up his phone and answered Nat.</p><p>« Of course she can stay with us. I'm off today so I'll get everything ready for tonight. Tell Carol to pick up James after school and bring him here. I love you too, S. »</p><p>Sure, she could stay, why not? Anything was better than seeing her like this. Now that he knew, a lot of things became clearer. She even stopped teasing him about Nat, which she'd always done, even in the darkest moments.</p><p>And so here he is, cooking pancakes on a Tuesday night. Table's already set. Now he just needs to get ready for the party.</p><p>Two hours later, all the Avengers arrived. Laughter and chatter mingle in the air.</p><p>« Thank you, darling. For agreeing to do this. »</p><p>Without him noticing, Nat had approached and kissed him on the cheek.</p><p>« We can't let her down. She's the one who helped you when so few people believed in you. She brought the two of us together, she was the one who guided us. She helped us beat Thanos. - Steve smiles - Plus, I think James has a slight preference for Aunt Carol. Look over there. »</p><p>On the other side of the room, Carol and James are playing together. It seems that James is giving Carol his best "Avengers poses", as he calls them. Judging by his imitation, it must be Clint's turn. Steve looks at Carol. She laughs and smiles, but her eyes don't lie. Nat takes his hand. Her sad face indicates she's come to the same conclusion.</p><p>« We'll talk to her at the end of the party, okay? We don't want everyone to know about it. We'll help her. Whatever it takes. » She whispers.</p><p>« Okay, let's go. »</p><p>Steve crosses the room. Around the table, Clint, Rhodey, Maria Hill and Thor are having a lively conversation.</p><p>« But it's a trick! » Clint then pretends he's juggling wooden chopsticks with his fingers.</p><p>« No, it's much more than that. » Thor laughs.</p><p>« Ah - Clint takes a deep voice - whoever's worthy will have the power! Whatever, it's a trick! »</p><p>« Any reference to the man who wouldn't be king, but that's bullshit! » Rhodey adds.</p><p>« Of course it is! » Clint answers.</p><p>« Steve »,-Maria points at Rhodey - « he said a bad word, »</p><p>Steve laughs.</p><p>« LANGUAGE! » James shouts out.</p><p>Maria turns to Steve.</p><p>« Steve, seriously? The kid? » Maria scolds him, an angry look in her eye.</p><p>« What? That's what parenting's all about! »</p><p>« It's not education, it's cloning! » Carol yells at him, a slight smile on his face.</p><p>Steve turns his head and smiles. « You know what, Danvers? » he says.</p><p>Their battle of who-is-the-first-to-look-down is interrupted by James, who gives Carol a drawing. Steve is having a good time, but he's far too preoccupied to enjoy the moment. By midnight, everyone is almost gone. Only James, Carol, Nat, Wanda and Steve remain. As Carol and Wanda are about to leave, Nat stops them.</p><p>« Carol, could you stay for one more minute, please? We need to talk. »</p><p>Carol takes a look at Wanda. « Go ahead, I'll catch up. »</p><p>« In fact, » - she winks at her - « it'll take more than a minute. Don't worry, Wanda, we'll get her home. »</p><p>Without discussion, Wanda leaves. Nat slowly closes the door.</p><p>« Tasha, can you tell me what's going on? I really don't have time for this. »</p><p>Nat goes over to the couch and grabs James who had fallen asleep on it. She looks at Steve. Message received. Steve knows what he has to do. Carol frowns as she watches them leave.</p><p>« Steve, what's going on? We don't have time, we've got a lot of things to do! We've still got to find the boss of this drug organisation and Jarvis doesn't seem to know where he might be. It's going to be hard, really hard. »</p><p>Steve takes a deep breath. He takes Carol's hand and guides her to the couch, where they both sit.</p><p>« Listen, Carol. We're worried about you. James told us he saw you crying. »</p><p>Carol widens her eyes while Steve talks. She blushes as if she's ashamed of it.</p><p>« It's nothing at all. It really isn't. I just... »</p><p>She closes her eyes. Tears begin to form at the corner of her eyes. For maybe three minutes, she doesn't speak with her eyes closed and she breathes slowly. Steve takes her hand, trying to convey some calm. Opening her eyes again, she stares at Steve. Then suddenly, the virtual armor she had built breaks and reveals a broken expression. Her voice trembles, she shakes Steve's hand, to give herself courage.</p><p>« I was lost. When I woke up on a strange planet, I... I thought this was my destiny. I was promised great things, made to believe I was doing the right thing when I wasn't. All my life I was mocked by others because I didn't do what everyone else did, but I didn't care, because it allowed me to live my ideal, to follow my ideas. But then I did wrong. I did wrong when I swore to do only good. They took away my identity, my future. I didn't know... I don't even know who I really am. How can you hope to build a future with someone who doesn't know who they are? »</p><p>« What about Val? I thought... »</p><p>Carol shakes her head.</p><p>« She mustn't know how I feel! There's no future with me and she deserves to have one with someone perfect to give it to her. Someone who can build a family with her. I don't. »</p><p>She smiles at Steve, tears still streaming down her cheeks. She gets up.</p><p>« Anyway, I gotta go. - she wipes her tears with the back of her hand - Thank you, Steve, for listening to me. »</p><p>« Carol, wait! - Steve grabs her arm gently and brings her back to the couch - you know, we have a huge house. And James loves you very much. »</p><p>« What's your point, Rogers? »</p><p>« Stay here. Live with us. We've been thinking about it with Nat and we both think it's time for you to have a life. We have rooms, you're family. Stay, please. »</p><p>« And why would you do that? » she replies, half crying, half smiling.</p><p>« Because we know what it feels like and we don't want you to be alone, » answers Steve, a serious look in his eyes.</p><p>The tears fall on Carol's cheeks. All he wants is to make her happy like she did for him when she helped her with Natasha. She deserves that. More than anyone else. She says nothing, sobbing on his shoulder. A little voice comes out of nowhere.</p><p>« Are you going to stay, Auntie Carol? »</p><p>Carol walks away from Steve and turns around. James is standing in the middle of the room, twisting his finger with anxiety. Nat is leaning against the door at the entrance of the room.</p><p>« James! Aren't you supposed to be asleep? » Steve asks him.</p><p>« I woke up... - He looks at the floor like a punished boy but immediately looks up at Carol again. He walks towards her, climbs onto the couch and sits on her lap. - Say you're going to stay Auntie Carol! We need you here! »</p><p>He grabs her and hugs her.</p><p>« Oh, James... » Carol wraps her arm around his little body and closes her eyes. « Yes, I'll stay, » she says in a quivering voice.</p><p>James hugs her even tighter. By the small shock of his body, Carol realizes he's crying.</p><p>« Don't cry, James. It's all right. »</p><p>« I know, but... I love you so much, Auntie Carol! »</p><p>« And love you too, James. »</p><p>« Oh wait! - Nat moves and approaches Steve - do I hear something? It's a phrase... I think it was 'love is for children,' » she says, winking at Steve.</p><p>Carol doesn't answer, but the way she looks at her says it all. A deep look, with the sparkle so characteristic of Carol back in it. Steve laughs. Even in the darkest moments, Nat is able to bring light to make everything shine. Suddenly James jumps to his feet and takes Carol's hand.</p><p>« Come on, I'll show you your room! » he says, taking Carol with him. She has no choice but to follow him.</p><p>« Wait, James! I have to get my things first and- » her voice fades when James takes her away.</p><p>Nat looks at her with a sorry look on her face and tilts her head towards Steve.</p><p>« Actually, she doesn't need to get her things... » she whispers.</p><p>« Don't tell me you did this. »</p><p>« I had to do it. - Steve looks at her with raised eyebrows- Look, I'm sorry, okay! I thought it would convince her to stay. »</p><p>« By taking her stuff? »</p><p>« It worked for you, didn't it? »</p><p>« All right, all right, you won this one. But I'm not sure you'll still be alive when she finds out. »</p><p>Nat sighs. « I hope she'll be okay... »</p><p>« We'll do anything for it. I need to talk to Val. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way Carol does. They deserve their happy ending just as much as we do. »</p><p>« Always seeing through other people, huh? » Nat faces Steve and puts her arm around her lover's neck.</p><p>« You should be thankful for that. I saw through you and I fell in love with you because of it! » he replies, gently kissing Nat's lips.</p><p>« Yeah, speaking of which, you're a really bad judge Rogers. I mean, look at the merchandise, » she sas ironically, frowning and pointing.</p><p>« As they say, no refunds, no exchanges. I guess I'm stuck with your imperfections forever. »</p><p>« Poor you! » she comes over and gives Steve a real kiss, the kind of kiss that makes him forget everything and want more. When they move away from each other, he just wants to take her to their room right away.</p><p>« I'm going to see James and Carol, see if everything's okay and try not to get killed by probably the strongest woman in the galaxy. If I'm not back in five minutes, don't worry, I'm probably dead. »</p><p>She heads for the exit. But as she is about to reach the door, she stops and, without looking at Steve, says, « I think I'll need a shower after this. - She turns her head and gives Steve a look that immediately awakens his body - and I think you're going to join me » Then she leaves.</p><p>Steve smiles. That's how it should be. Or at least that's how it should have been. But reality is often disappointing and today is no exception. Steve is back on the street, covered in blood and dust. He lowers his head and looks down at the woman in the black jumpsuit at his feet. The little scene he had just imagined disappears, along with his hope. Why can't it be like that? His whole world is falling apart, including the people he loves. Carol never came to live with them. He didn't marry Nat. James is not their son. He looks around. Everything is fire. Buildings are collapsing on all sides. There, across the street, Carol's body is still visible under the rubble.</p><p>« It's all right, » she said, « I am going to take care of it, » and, without warning, jumped in front of the enemy.</p><p>And now she's gone. Steve feels tears running down his jaw, mingling with the dust and mud drying on his cheeks. Nearby, a bomb explodes. Steve throws himself over Nat's body to protect it. When he looks up, another building is gone. He presses his forehead against his beloved's.</p><p>« You promised... You promised you wouldn't leave me... You promised Nat! » He shouts alone in the street.</p><p>One tear, two tears fall on Natasha's lifeless face. Steve suddenly feels like a three-year-old boy again. He can't help but hug her, hoping she will hug him back at some point. He puts his hand on Natasha's chest. He wishes, he wishes he could revive her. He wants to see her light again. He wants to hear her sarcastic jokes again. He just wants his love back. A metallic sound resonates. Following his instincts, Steve jumps to the side, still holding Natasha. He glances out at the street. There, standing in the middle of it, the mad titan looks at him, his whole army behind him. An infinite sadness descends upon him. If Thanos is here, it means he's the last one standing. Everyone else, Clint, Wanda, Bucky, must be dead. Life is meaningless without them, without his family. Slowly he detaches his shield from his arm and places it next to Nat's lifeless body. One last time, he looks at it and looks at Nat.</p><p>« Whatever it takes... » he whispers.</p><p>Then he comes out of his hiding place and heads towards the middle of the street, a hundred meters from Thanos. Thanos smiles. Steve sees his lips move. A violet light comes out of nowhere. Everything disappears.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Angst all over, I am so sorry :&lt;</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Come back to me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: Panic attack (a little) and anxiety</p><p>Steve has gone on a mission and Nat isn't sur she can go on much longer without him...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>« Steve, where are you? »</p><p>Natasha whispers alone on the edge of the fountain. She's been walking for two hours now and yet she doesn't feel any better. It's getting worse. She tries her best to breathe as deeply as she can, but her shaky hands and legs betray her. God, not again, please. It's been a month since Steve went on the mission and a month since her attacks started again. She knows that when she married Steve, she also accepted his life. She's trying to deal with it, to control it, to go out and walk around like she is doing now. The sun is shining, no clouds are visible in the sky, a gentle wind is caressing her skin. It should be a beautiful, peaceful day, but there's nothing she can do about it. Her work may distract her for a few hours, but every time she comes home, Nat is seized by the deafening silence of the room. She knows it, she knows she needs Steve to be okay, to feel good. Steve is her home and without him, Nat feels like part of her soul has been taken away. She's not complete that way. A hole tears her chest apart just thinking about it.</p><p>« My God, please, Steve, come here, come back to me, I need you, » Nat whispers, moaning.</p><p>She feels ridiculous, even childish. Of course, Steve won't answer, he's not here. However, deep down, she's still hoping for a sign. Her biggest dream right now is to get a message saying, "I'm coming home". She puts her head in her hands to escape reality. It's been a month, but it seems like an eternity to her. The shape of Steve has almost disappeared on the mattress. His scent is lost in the air. Dust is starting to settle on his clothes in the closet. Nat closes her eyes. Maybe it's just a dream. Maybe she'll wake up in a few seconds, Steve sleeping peacefully next to her. The bed is so cold. Every day she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, as if her subconscious is looking for Steve too. She feels so empty. She has cried so much that all her emotions have been removed from her heart, from her chest. She feels as if nothing could make her happy again, as if happiness had never existed. She feels... a warm hand on her back?</p><p>« Shh... Tasha calm down, I'm here. »</p><p>Two arms suddenly wrap around her torso. Natasha stops breathing. She knows this feeling so well, especially the way the arms surround her. She recognizes the voice, deep, soothing, a melody in her ears. She recognizes the fragrance, so familiar, unique, the one that makes her feel at home.</p><p>« Tasha, please, baby, just breathe. It's okay, I'm here, I'm here, I'll never leave you again. I promise you that. So please, just breathe, I'm begging you. »</p><p>Listening to the voice, Nat lets air through her nose again.</p><p>« Yes, that's it, darling. It's all right. I'll be right here with you. This was my last mission, I'm coming home for good. I'll always be with you from now on. »</p><p>She feels a kiss on her neck. Butterflies explode in her stomach. Only one person has the ability to make her feel that. She turns around and looks into her lover's eyes. She would like to tell him so many things, but no sound can come out of her mouth. She stands there, speechless. Steve smiles and takes Nat's cheek in his hand. Then, tenderly, he presses her lips to those of his beloved in an innocent kiss. Time stops. They are alone, in their own bubble, where no one can distract them. Soon Nat puts her hand on Steve's neck, asking for more. As soon as she opens her mouth, Steve's tongue comes to play with her lips. Every tension, every fear, every anxiety she had all this time, Natasha tries to express them through this kiss. When Steve pulls away, he has tears in his eyes.</p><p>« I missed you so much, you can't even imagine... » Nat manages to whisper.</p><p>« Of course I can... Tasha, this month has been torture for me. Why didn't you tell me about your seizures? »</p><p>« I didn't want to worry you. »</p><p>Steve sighs.</p><p>« Nat, I'm your husband, remember? You have to tell me everything, even if you think it's nothing. For better or for worse, I promised to love you. »</p><p>She can't hold them back. Tears are falling on her cheeks and there's nothing she can do to stop them. Steve approaches her face and kisses her cheeks, catching every tear his beloved is letting go.</p><p>« Wait, pause, did you just say this was your last mission? »</p><p>« Yes, I said it. I can't go on like this. I can't let you have seizures when I'm not at home and I don't want to be away from you anyway. You're my energy. It's not fair to be so far away. I've spent my life doing missions over and over again. I need a break. We both do. You're the only thing I want to focus on right now. » Steve steps back and nervously twists his fingers. « Look, I'm really sorry I had to leave you again. If I only knew your anxiety, I would never- »</p><p>« How did you know where I was? » Nat cuts Steve.</p><p>She doesn't want Steve to feel guilty at all. He's not responsible for what happened in her life, what caused her seizures. On the contrary, he's the one who can calm her down, something she hadn't felt for a long time before she met him. The last thing she wants is for Steve to feel bad about it. She couldn't handle it and it would destroy her for sure and for good. Steve looks at Nat. He doesn't really know what to do. Is she angry or hurt? If he had a choice, he'd rather she was angry. Rather die than see his better half suffer one more time. He's willing to face anything, but not the deep pain he just read on Natasha's face. It broke his heart. He hesitates before responding slowly.</p><p>« Jarvis. He's still connected to all of us. He called me last night after your seizure. Apparently, you were calling me in your sleep. »</p><p>Of course she was calling him. Every night, Steve comes to haunt her in her dreams. Every night, Nat wakes up and cries disappointment. Jarvis is the only person who helps her not go completely crazy when Steve is away. She'll have to thank him later. She takes Steve back in her arms. She wants to make sure it's not just a dream. She wants to feel Steve's body under her fingers, to merge with him again. She missed Steve's warmth so much. She can't get tired of his perfect features. She wants to draw them, over and over again, every day and every night of her life. Steve doesn't talk, but Nat feels the same energy, the same desire in his eyes. They don't need to talk. One look is enough.</p><p>« Come on honey, - Steve takes her hand -, let's go home. »</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. A promise (part I)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: Smut and idiots in love (again)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>« What are you looking at, Rogers? »</p><p>In one sentence, Natasha brings Steve back to reality.</p><p>« Nothing, » he mumbles back, which of course is completely untrue.</p><p>The truth is that he hasn't been able to stop looking at her for a good five minutes, observing her. On holiday on a private island of the S.H.I.E.L.D., they both take advantage of this welcome rest to recover from the last few months. These have been rather intense and despite the fact that she hasn't complained, Steve knows full well that Nat welcomes this rest with delight too. He looks around him. The island is quite small, with only a house, a beach and a waterfall. All the food is parachuted in once a week, except for meat and fish, which are delivered by boat four times a week at fixed times. Paradise in a nutshell. Yet, although he can have everything he wants, there is only one thing that can calm his current hunger. He turns to Natasha and scrutinizes her. She is eating a strawberry, unaware of the effect it has on him. Steve looks at her lips as she bites into the fruit. Round, plump... perfect. Her fine nose, her brown and green eyes reflecting the earth... Everything about her makes her desirable to him. Unconsciously, she licks her finger and Steve feels a bump forming in his pants. No, not now! Suddenly, he gets up and runs toward the house. Natasha looks up and watches him as he runs, worried. Steve opens the door and runs back to his room, out of breath. He moans as the bulge in his pants gets bigger.</p><p>« My God, Nat... » He buries his face in his hands.</p><p>He's got to find a way to calm himself down. But no matter what he does, he can't get the beautiful redhead out of his head. His bump is hurting him more and more.</p><p>« Calm down... » He talks to himself. « Think of the beach, the sun, the sea, Natasha tanning on the fine sand, her naked skin exposed. Her buttocks gilded by the sun and the color on her cheeks... AH NO STEVE THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE! » he exclaims.</p><p>« Something wrong, Rogers? »</p><p>Steve suddenly straightens up and crosses his legs to hide his bump.</p><p>« N-No, » he answers out of breath, red as a tomato.</p><p>Nat frowns but says nothing. Steve closes his eyes, still crossing his legs. Suddenly, two arms surround his chest. A sweet, sensual voice resounds in his ears. A deep voice that makes him come out of his gong again.</p><p>« You know you can tell me anything, Steve... » she whispers softly to him.</p><p>The pressure's getting unbearable. He rushes into the bathroom, gets undressed and rushes into the shower. By taking off his shorts, he managed to relieve the pressure slightly, but nothing really conclusive. He turns on the faucet and a torrent of ice cold water hits his skin. The sensation is intoxicating. His whole body is shaking and he can hardly breathe. Shivers run through his body. He puts the palms of his hands against the cold wall and presses his forehead against the tile floor. He contracts all the muscles of his body but it is not enough. He needs more... no. He wants more. His whole body is crying out for it, screaming for it, in agony. He only sees her, only wants her, only desires her. No matter how hard she tries to introduce him to other women, he knows it will be just her for all eternity. He is on the verge of succumbing and confessing to her when two arms surround him again.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Nat really doesn't know what to think anymore. She's here with Steve enjoying her lunch, especially a strawberry, her sweet sin, when he suddenly gets up and runs home. She's lost. She knows that he thinks she didn't notice him, but she can see that he was still staring at her a few seconds earlier. She feels her cheeks get hotter. As much as she hates to admit it, Steve doesn't leave her indifferent. His smirk, his perfect jaw, his muscles... She bites her lip just thinking about it.<p>Over time, she and Steve have become, like, inseparable. You could say it's like with Clint, but Nat knows different. With Clint, it's all about protective, brotherly love. Whereas Steve is... beastly. That's the word she was looking for. Bestial. She's been thinking about it for some time now, but she wants him desperately. She wants to feel his soft skin against hers, to feel his lips touching her chest, to feel his hands exploring her body. She wants to feel every thrust between her thighs, to feel him tighten when he reaches his peak. She...Wants. Him. She'd die for it. Only he's too good for her, too virtuous, too... perfect. She's just the broken assassin with a too heavy past that she can't erase. Nat lets out a sarcastic laugh at herself. Of course he'll never want her. Besides, he already has a girlfriend, for all she knows. Nat feels jealousy twisting in her stomach. Is it possible that she, the Black Widow, has fallen in love with Steve? No, not her. Love is for children. Even so, she worries.</p><p>She gets up from the table and goes looking for Steve. She comes into the house and runs to the living room, but he's not here. After going all the way downstairs, she has to face the fact that Steve is in the bedroom. She goes upstairs and gently opens the door.</p><p>« Problem Rogers? » she asks him as he slumps on the couch.</p><p>Immediately, he sits down and crosses his legs. He's red as a tomato and out of breath, unusual for the super soldier. In this position, with the sun hitting his skin, he almost looks like a Greek statue. She can't help but come behind him and hug his chest. She bends over and whispers in his ear:</p><p>« You know you can tell me anything, Steve... »</p><p>Once again he gets up and locks himself in the bathroom. She can't help but feel hurt. Is he angry with her? Did she do something wrong? She represses the tears that threaten to run down. The Black Widow does not cry, ever! She slowly approaches the door and knocks.</p><p>« Steve, please... »</p><p>No answer, but Natasha hears the shower running. She tries to open the door but it's locked. She grabs a clip hidden in her hair (an old spy habit) and unlocks the latch. She walks in cautiously and watches Steve with his back to her, both hands on the wall. He seems tense to the max and it's cold in the room. She moves closer and realizes that the water is frozen.</p><p>« My God, Steve, what's happening to you... » she whispers to herself.</p><p>She doesn't know what to do so she does the first thing that comes into her mind. She gets undressed and goes into the shower. Then without thinking, she sticks to him and hugs his chest again.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Steve holds his breath when he feels an unknown heat against his back. Two hands rest on his belly and caress his abs. He suddenly turns around.<p>« What the-... Natasha??? » He looks at her in disbelief.</p><p>There she is, naked, just inches away. He immediately crouches down to hide his discomfort and closes his eyes. She kneels down in front of him.</p><p>« Steve, please... » He feels a warm hand on his forehead. « Tell me... »</p><p>Steve sighs deeply. "It's a little complicated right now."</p><p>"There's nothing complicated about it, you just have to tell me-"</p><p>"Yes! It's complicated, Natasha! »</p><p>Nat closes her mouth. He never calls her Natasha. Always Nat or Tasha. It means something really bad happened. She doesn't know what to do.</p><p>« There's... there's this girl. »</p><p>She freezes.</p><p>« There's a girl? »</p><p>« She's beautiful and incredibly smart. She may seem tough, but she's an angel when you really know her. She dedicates her life to others, helping them, protecting them. And - he sighs - I want her. I want her so badly it hurts. »</p><p>Nat feels her chest opening in half. Of course she knew that. But hearing it is even more painful than she could have imagined.</p><p>« Maybe I can help you... »</p><p>Steve shakes his head. How can he tell her?</p><p>« You can't... »</p><p>The seconds are running out, silent.</p><p>« I... I'll let you now, » she whispers, trying to hide her broken voice.</p><p>It doesn't escape Steve, who finally opens his eyes to watch her walk away. He grabs her hand at the last moment.</p><p>« Wait... » He gets up and she turns her head to avoid his gaze.</p><p>« Why do ... I'm no good to you now. »</p><p>« Don't say that. »</p><p>She looks at him with her characteristic hard stare.</p><p>« Rogers, you just confessed to me that you love a girl. I don't quite see how I'm of any use to you right now. »</p><p>Rogers? Ouch, she must be hurt. Steve closes in on her. Hypnotized, she can't move.</p><p>« What are you doing, Steve? »</p><p>« I'm trying something, don't move... »</p><p>He comes closer and grabs Nat's delicate jaw in his hands. Bringing his face closer to hers, he brushes his lips with hers. Their warm breaths mingle at the border of their lips. Guided by her unconscious desire, she moves closer and sticks her body to his. She looks him in the eyes and locks her gaze in his.</p><p>« Touch me... » she whispers to him.</p><p>So slowly, he puts his lips on hers. The sensation is exhilarating. Nat holds back a moan. Steve doesn't just kiss her, he tastes her, devours her. From a chaste kiss, things quickly accelerate. Steve steps forward and holds Natasha against the wall under cold water. Instantly, she wraps her thighs around Steve's waist and presses her hips against his. Steve lets out a moan. She smells so good... He buries her face in her neck and gently sucks her skin while Nat's hands explore his body and hair.</p><p>Natasha is electrified. She who usually manages to keep a minimum of cold blood is out of control. Her mind is entirely guided by desire and lust in this moment. Steve's skin is warm and sweet, in perfect contrast to the temperature of the room. Their tongues mix and search for each other. But that's not enough, she needs more. She presses her pelvis a little more against Steve and moans.</p><p>« Steve, please! »</p><p>She looks at him with such a longing, such a desire that Steve is on the verge of giving in. He restrains himself, however, and comes out of the shower carrying her to bed. He puts her down gently and places his body above Nat's, taking care not to crush her. Slowly he moves his mouth down to Nat's chest and gently sucks her breasts. She bows in agony under Steve's expert lips. He can't hold it any longer, he looks up at her and asks her:</p><p>« I want to taste you... May I? »</p><p>« Yes! Oh, hell, yes! »</p><p>He descends slowly, making sure to leave a mark of his passage on every inch of Nat's skin that he can reach. He brings his face down to his crotch and kisses his thighs. She's completely wet. He sticks out his tongue and licks her clitoris. Immediate response, she arches again and Steve has to hold her legs so that she doesn't move away.</p><p>« Mm-hmm, Steve... » she moans, hugging her fingers through Steve's hair.</p><p>Still licking her clitoris, Steve inserts two fingers into Nat and makes slow and twisting back and forth movements. Nat moans louder. Her fingernails dig into the sheets and twist them.</p><p>« Steve, if you keep going, I'm gonna... »</p><p>She begs him with her eyes and lets her head land on the mattress. She feels her stomach getting hotter and hotter. Just as she is about to reach her climax, Steve stops his movements and raises his head.</p><p>« NO! -She stands up and leans on her elbows- I'm going to die if you stop now, Steve! »</p><p>Steve sketches out a smile and comes up to kiss her lips. She bends over and tilts steve's body to find herself on top of him. She straddles him and begins to make small circles with her hips. Steve gasps. He's all hard and Nat's movements are torture for him. He reaches out and grabs the tips of her breasts to pinch them tenderly. She throws her head back and lets out a long whistle through her lips. Not holding on, Steve grabs her hips to lift her up and makes her sit down while penetrating her. She then swings her hips, imposing a slow and tortuous rhythm on Steve. Being inside her is magical. Steve looks at her as her face writhes under the pleasure of his thrusts. She is his and his alone. He is the only one who can see this side of her and this thought sends a shiver of pleasure through his entire body. Steve sits down, still with Nat sitting on top of him, and buries his face in the hollow of her neck as she continues to move her pelvis.</p><p>« Natasha... » he whispers against her pale skin. « I'm gonna... I think I'm gonna... »</p><p>She tenderly strokes his hair and places her hand on his back.</p><p>« It's okay Steve » she whispers to him, « Come on. Come for me. »</p><p>Steve grabs her hips and regains control by making quick little mouvements between Natasha's thighs. She sticks to him as his breathing becomes jerky. Their two bodies tighten as they are hit by their orgasm, Nat's body goes into small spasms as Steve kisses her neck. Exhausted, they both fall on the bed. Steve withdraws from Nat, but Nat comes to wrap her legs around Steve's hips to enjoy his warmth a little more. Happy, he takes her in his arms and listens to her breathing return to normal, feels her heartbeat calm down.</p><p>« If you knew how long I've been dreaming about this... »</p><p>Steve looks at her, shocked.</p><p>« But... Why didn't you ever tell me? »</p><p>« ... »</p><p>« Natasha... Tasha please. »</p><p>« I was afraid » she lets slip.</p><p>« Scared? »</p><p>« That you don't want me. »</p><p>Steve holds her a little closer to him. He gently strokes her hair.</p><p>« Nat, I've wanted you for years... »</p><p>He feels her tightening her grip.</p><p>« Now I blame myself. »</p><p>« Of what? »</p><p>« For introducing you to all these girls. »</p><p>« Don't worry about it... I've only ever looked at you anyway. »</p><p>She smiles and laughs softly.</p><p>« I'm an idiot »</p><p>« Yes. But you're my idiot. »</p><p>She lifts her face to him and kisses him.</p><p>« Your idiot. » she whispers.</p><p>A promise.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. A promise (part II)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warning: some (a lot of) angst and graphic description</p><p>I am sorry :(</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>* 10 years later *</p><p>Is this real? She's not sure anymore. On this sweet Sunday in May, the sun is shining through the window. Nat looks in the mirror again. She wants everything to be perfect. She is wearing a beautiful white dress, curved at the waist and then wide afterwards. In her hair, a crown of white tulips specially created by Wanda for the occasion. On her finger is the ring Steve gave her when he proposed. Oh, my God, she just hopes she won't ruin it. She's so stressed. So many doubts and questions are putting pressure on her head. She takes deep breaths. No. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay. After all, she has Steve, right?</p><p>« Honey, are you ready? They're all waiting for us. »</p><p>Steve enters the room. Natasha looks at Steve's reflection in the mirror. He looks so great. He's wearing a blue satin suit that matches his eyes perfectly. His hair is still a little wet and with the sun reflecting on it, it gives Nat the illusion of seeing fireworks.</p><p>« I know it's supposed to be bad luck, but... you look amazing. »</p><p>Steve laughs.</p><p>« You're not so bad yourself. Did I tell you this dress fits you particularly well? »</p><p>« So my breasts are the only thing you're interested in, Rogers, » Nat replies, taking that bored expression that Steve likes so much.</p><p>« Don't give me that face, Tasha, you know how it makes me feel, » Steve grins.</p><p>« This is your punishment for being insolent on our wedding day. »</p><p>When she says that, Nat's face turns dark. She looks at the mirror again, lost in thought. Steve, sensing her anxiety, approaches, puts his arms around Nat's chest, takes her hands and kisses her neck.</p><p>« Honey, what's wrong? You know you can trust me. »</p><p>She closes her eyes and puts her head on Steve's shoulder.</p><p>« I don't know... That's so beautiful, Steve. You know better than anyone, I'm a disaster. My whole life has been a disaster and I feel like... I don't know. I really don't know. I don't want to turn your life into a mess, too. Are you sure you want to do this? »</p><p>For five seconds, Steve doesn't say anything. He tries to find the best words to answer.</p><p>« I think it's common to have doubts, you know. I thought about it too, and in the end, there's no world, no version of the story where I'm happy without you. I know you're it for me. Whatever it takes, I'll always love you, Natasha Romanoff, no doubt about it. »</p><p>Steve presses his forehead against Nat's, maybe to give her some peace of mind. Suddenly there's a huge noise in the next room.</p><p>« I feel like someone is losing his patience, » Nat remarks.</p><p>« Yes, maybe it's time to let him in, isn't it? »</p><p>As soon as Steve opened the door, an excited eight-year-old boy rushes into the room.</p><p>« Mommy! Look how handsome I am! » exclaims James, smiling through his teeth.</p><p>« You look like you've won the beauty pageant! » Natasha answers, hugging her son.</p><p>James wears the same costume as Steve, except for his shoes, which are white like Natasha's ones.</p><p>« Are you ready, James? » asks Nat, taking her son by the hand.</p><p>« Yes, I am! »</p><p>James gives his father his other hand and starts walking outside. When they get to the garden, everyone turns around to look at them. Carol, Clint, Vision, Wanda, Tony... They're all there, smiling at that pretty family picture.</p><p>« James, go and sit with Auntie Carol, will you, sweetheart? » whispers Steve in James's ear.</p><p>« All right, Dad. »</p><p>James runs and sits cross-legged on Carol's lap.</p><p>« Are you ready, Steve? »</p><p>« I've never been more ready, Nat. »</p><p>No sound can be heard while Natasha and Steve receive the sacraments of marriage. Only the wind makes the trees dance around them. The sunlight illuminates the gentle couple as they prepare to exchange their vows.</p><p>« Natasha, do you take Steve Rogers to be your husband? And do you promise to remain faithful to him, in happiness or in hardship, in health or in sickness, to love him every day of your life? »</p><p>« I do. »</p><p>Natasha closes her eyes. Nothing can express what she's feeling right now. So much happiness should be forbidden. It's unreal.</p><p>« And, Steve, do you take Natasha to be your wife? And do you promise to remain faithful to her, in happiness or in hardship, in health or in sickness, to love her every day of your life? »</p><p>No answer.</p><p>« Steve? »</p><p>Nat opens her eyes again. Steve is no longer in front of her.</p><p>« What's happening?, - Nat turns around to find Carol - Carol have you seen- »</p><p>No, that's impossible. What's going on, what's wrong? There's no one here either. Carol, Vis, James... all gone. Nat's not feeling well. She doesn't understand. Where are they? Why are they all gone? WHAT'S GOING ON? She can't breathe. She needs air. She needs to breathe again or she needs to wake up. It's just a dream. A nightmare. She needs to wake up and everything will be all right.</p><p>« STEVE! WHERE ARE YOU? »</p><p>Natasha screams. She's screaming as much as she can to find Steve. She needs Steve, she needs her husband. For her survival. She can't live without Steve, it's unthinkable. If she loses him, she loses her home, her landmarks. She needs to find him.</p><p>A hand suddenly appears to touch her shoulder. Nat jumps out of fear. It's steve.</p><p>« Steve, my god, where have you been? Are you okay? Why did you... »</p><p>She can't go on. As she turns to Steve, she can't believe what she sees. Steve looks like he's been beaten a thousand times. Multiple open scars can be seen all over his body. He's completely shaved, even his hair's gone. He's losing a lot of blood. His old Captain America suit is completely torn.</p><p>« You could have saved me, Nat. »</p><p>« What? »</p><p>Steve's voice is so weak she can hardly hear him.</p><p>« You could have saved me. You SHOULD have saved me. »</p><p>« What do you mean, Steve? I don't understand what you mean. »</p><p>Steve doesn't answer and starts to walk away.</p><p>« Wait, Steve, come back! »</p><p>Natasha tries to hold Steve, but she can't move. It's like she's glued to the floor.</p><p>« Steve! Please, come back! Don't leave me, I need you! Steve! Steve! Steve, please! »<br/>

« Steve, NO! » - Nat suddenly wakes up in bed. She's all trembling. Her heart rate is so high that it feels like her heart is going to come out of her chest.</p><p>« Mom, are you okay? I heard you screaming. »<br/>
James is at the door, in his pajamas and his teddy bear, the one Steve gave him last Christmas.</p><p>« Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry if I woke you up, sweetie. It was just a nightmare, you know? »</p><p>James looks at his mum and Nat feels like he is reading her. He looks so much like his father...</p><p>« It was daddy again, wasn't it? »</p><p>He's a smart boy. She can't believe how mature James can be sometimes despite his young age.</p><p>« Yeah, that was dad. »</p><p>« Was it like the last time you dreamt about your first meeting with him? »</p><p>« No, it wasn't like that this time, honey. This time he called me for help but I didn't do anything. I couldn't move. I'm sorry James... I wish I could bring your father back. »</p><p>James crosses the room and jumps into bed with nat. As he gets closer, he kisses his cheeks and says:</p><p>« It's all right, Mommy. It's not your fault. It's not your fault at all. He's the one who left us... »</p><p>Nat wraps her arms around her son.</p><p>« Can I sleep with you tonight? »</p><p>« Of course, sweetheart. »</p><p>As they both try to sleep, Nat thinks that even with James, the bed seems too big for the two of them. In his dreams, James snuggles up with his mother. Caressing her son's hair, she can't help but see Steve again and again in her head, so hurt and hopeless.</p><p>And just before she falls asleep, she whispers, remembering their promise: « As long as I live, I promise to keep going. »</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. You and me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Years of insecurity invades Natasha's mind, and there's only one person who can make it better</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She'd like to have someone she can count on. That's all Natasha's been thinking about for hours. Sitting in her room, she's never felt more alone than she did today. When she came home a few hours ago, her apartment seemed too big, too cold. Too empty. That's how she feels right now. Empty. Her whole life has been a disaster and she knows it. Nat lost her parents, she lost the Avengers, everything that was important to her is gone.</p><p>And now she's certain that she's a failure. She's not even capable of dealing with her own feelings. The ones that have been growing inside of her for the past few months. Sometimes she wishes she could be a normal person, without responsibilities. Why would she want that? Why does she have to be strong all the time? Every night she goes to bed, and every night she cries, because she's held back her tears for too long. She cries alone in her room, where no one can hear her. What would they think if they saw the great Black Widow crying? She's scared. Scared of suffering again, like before. She has a gaping hole in her chest and feels like nothing can fix it. It will be like this forever.</p><p>Sometimes Natasha hates to be so glib, so sarcastic. But she knows in her heart that this whole charade is there to create a wall between her and people, to never let them see her weaknesses. She's in the dark, she screams, but no one can hear her. She can't see anything. She is blind. It's dark around her. She's tired, too tired. Tired of having to be strong all the time, even when she doesn't want to be. No one can understand that. Nat doesn't want to be fucking strong anymore. She just wants someone to hold her and kiss her and say, « Don't worry, it's gonna be okay. I'm here, nothing can happen to you. » She would like someone to see through her, to see her soul, her fears, the part of her that cries out for peace and protection for once. And most of all, she knows she wants that from a particular person. That's why it will never happen. She has to stop dreaming.</p><p>Now she's crying. How pathetic she feels. She's ugly on the inside, untrustworthy. She knows that.</p><p>« Don't ever say that again. »</p><p>Natasha startles. Steve's here at the door. He can't be. How did he hear that? She didn't say it out loud, did she? Besides, how did Steve get into her apartment? Jarvis would've warned her if anyone came, that was the deal she made with Tony... Oh. Of course. Jarvis must have let Steve in. Maybe it's time to have a little chat with the AI.</p><p>« Why are you here, Steve? What do you want? » Nat asks him, turning her back on Steve.</p><p>« Why did you say that? »</p><p>« You weren't supposed to be here. And you didn't answer. »</p><p>« That's not an answer either, Nat, and you know it. »</p><p>« Are you looking for trouble, Rogers? Are you? IS THAT WHY YOU CAME HERE? » Nat screams as she walks furiously towards Steve.</p><p>« I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A FUCKING FIGHT, I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU. »</p><p>Nat stops dead. She must have misheard.</p><p>« What did you say? »</p><p>« I've been worried about you, Nat. » answers Steve softly. « I don't know, I just... I feel like it's been a while since something went wrong and... » He stops for three seconds, like he's looking for words. « And I was wondering if I could help you. I know it's not always easy being us, and Clint told me you've been through a lot. I really like you and maybe... »</p><p>Steve closes his eyes, praying for courage.</p><p>« I think I'm in love with you, Natasha Romanoff. »</p><p>Nat is speechless. Shocked, she stands here in the middle of the room, looking at Steve who's blushing now.</p><p>« Nat, I know this may not be the right time to tell you this. I probably should have called you before, but you know I was really worried and I don't know, I thought it was my fault and I know it took me a while to realize it, but I don't want to let you go even if it means you have to hate me. When I lost Peggy, it was too hard. I can't afford to lose you too. »</p><p>Still no answer from Nat.</p><p>« I'm sorry, Tasha. I know this must be hard for you, but can you say something? Yell at me, hit me, but please... »</p><p>Before she knew it, Nat had gotten close to Steve and was now kissing him. Even though Steve was surprised, he sighed in relief before slipping his arms around Natasha's waist. She doesn't know how long they stay in that position, but when Steve moves away, Nat thinks it was really too short. Steve approaches the window and looks out.</p><p>« So... what do you say? » he asks, his voice full of hope and distress.</p><p>Again, Nat doesn't reply. But now she knows what she needs to do. Smiling, she walks slowly towards Steve, who doesn't dare to move. Without hesitation, she takes Steve's cheek in her hand and presses her lips against Steve's again. From that moment on, it is as if someone has lit fireworks in his chest. A gentle warmth hits her heart and it is as if she is connected to his soul again. Everything seems to return to normal, as if the pain she felt never pierced her heart. Fireworks in her heart, her chest, her stomach. Nothing ever seemed to make more sense to her than that. Steve. She was so depressed ten minutes ago, but now she's so happy that tears are falling on her cheeks. Tears of joy this time. That's what she feels like. This is where she's supposed to be. It doesn't take long for Steve to kiss Nat back. As they pull away, Natasha still feels Steve's presence on her lips.</p><p>« Is the answer clear? » she laughs.</p><p>« I'm not quite sure. » Steve pretends, biting his lips « Maybe you should answer me again, just to make sure I understand this time. »</p><p>« Hey, don't be silly. And don't get used to it. What's rare is even more precious. »</p><p>« Don't worry too much about it, I don't think I'll ever get tired of you. » Steve laughs, smiling a little.</p><p>They're silent for a while, both of them lost in thought.</p><p>« So... what do we do now? » asks Nat.</p><p>Taking a deep breath, Steve takes her hand in his. More fireworks.</p><p>« We start to live, » he replies, looking Nat straight in the eye. « You and me. »</p><p>And Nat believes him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. A tear on the floor (Part I)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Angst, angst all over, I am so sorry</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nothing can be heard in the lab. Not a fly, not a sound, nothing. In the almost total darkness, a silhouette can be seen towards the back of the room. Sitting in a suit on a desk, Natasha silently reads the paper Jarvis has just given her. As she continues to read, her face slowly decomposes. Rage, pain, deep sorrow. With an abrupt gesture, she throws the paper away and runs to the window. She needs air. It's as if a hundred people suddenly surround her, oppressing her.</p><p>« I'm terribly sorry, Miss Romanoff... »</p><p>Nat sits down and presses her forehead against the cold glass.</p><p>« It's me. I'm sorry I am not strong enough... »</p><p>« It's nothing. You don't have to be strong all the time. »</p><p>Nat smiles a little. And now Jarvis is acting like a psychologist... She must be really crazy. Tilting her chin down, she looks at the beautiful city stretching before her eyes, thousands of beautiful lights shining in the night. Maybe - she thinks - maybe one of them is him. How could she think that everything would be all right? How could she think that she would have the chance to be happy for once in her life? She should have known that this happiness would be temporary. It's been like this her whole life, why should it be any different this time? Thousands of lights are reflected in the sky and yet Natasha is so cold, alone in the big empty room. She feels a huge hole opening in her heart and she is all too aware of the unspeakable pain screaming in her chest.</p><p>Nat doesn't know how long she will stay here, watching the night. After a while she gets up. She has to change her mind. At all costs.</p><p>« Jarvis, please unlock the jet. I need to get out of here. »</p><p>« Is this okay? »</p><p>« It has to be. I can't get distracted. »</p><p>While Nat dresses in her black suit, Jarvis doesn't say a word. But he's been here long enough to say that something's wrong. Nat's face right now, that face, Jarvis has never seen it before. Because deep down inside, he knows. Jarvis knows that everything Nat does, the missions, the jokes, is to hide the sadness that's plagued her for so many years. He may only be a program, but it's his duty to care about the Avengers.</p><p>In her leather outfit, Nat picks up the paper she has thrown away and starts to burn it before throwing it away again.</p><p>As she watches it burn, she whispers: « I'm so sorry, Steve... I'm sorry I wasn't the one you needed. »</p><p>Then she turns her back on the flames and starts walking to the door. Soon there's nothing left but the ashes. The image has disappeared, along with the accompanying sentence. But Nat will remember it for the rest of his life. She won't be able to forget it, Jarvis is certain. Because Jarvis saw the paper. He saw the picture of Steve and Sharon, hand in hand, both smiling. He saw the phrase "You're invited to the wedding! " Written in white. He knows that nothing can fix what's just been broken. He knows that nothing will ever be the same again.</p><p>And just before Nat leaves, a tear falls on the floor.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. A tear on the floor (Part II)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tricks are revealed and it is time to fight for love!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve really doesn't understand what's going on. For the past three days, people have been looking at him weirdly, whispering in his direction, staring at him and he doesn't understand a thing. He assumes it has something to do with his weird habits of the 1940s, but he's not sure. He knows he shouldn't dwell on it any longer as he does every time, but his instincts tell him that this time there might be more at stake than stupid teenage mockery. </p>
<p>However, he's too busy to dwell on it. Just back from his mission, he's already on the warpath to go back. Steve wouldn't mind if he wasn't missing something that was very important to him. Natasha. He hasn't seen her for more than three days and he misses her terribly. She hasn't shown up on the last two missions she was assigned, even though they are partners of choice. Instead, he got stuck with Sharon. Although he likes her and she's a good agent, she's not Natasha at all. With Natasha, no words are necessary. She always knows what he's thinking, his next moves, his attacks before he even knows it. It's, um... fusional. And that's what they're known for. With Natasha, every mission goes faster, smoother too. He doesn't have to worry too much about her safety, he knows she'll call him if he needs her and she knows how to defend herself. With Sharon, everything is... slower. He has to keep telling her what to do, the battles seem messy and he has to be careful to protect her. In addition, she has this unpleasant habit of making him feel uncomfortable all the time. In short, she is not Natasha. </p>
<p>When he enters the meeting room, all eyes turn to him. Fury and Hill are standing, ready to explain the mission, while Tony, Clint and Wanda are sitting around the table. As with everyone else for the past three days, he gets their black eyes in his face, wondering what he did to deserve this. </p>
<p>« Where's Natasha? » he asks, as Fury is about to speak. </p>
<p>Immediately, Clint's fist clenches and Wanda blows loudly with irritation.</p>
<p>« Temporarily unavailable, » answers Fury, an ounce of anger in his voice. </p>
<p>In the past, that might have stopped him, but now he's tired of always bending to twisted explanations and the unsaid. </p>
<p>« Where's Natasha, » he repeats more firmly. </p>
<p>« Seriously Captain » Clint angrily lets it slip out. « You dare ask that???? » </p>
<p>« She's my partner, she's been off the radar for over three days, no news, not a text, a phone call, nothing. Content of the fact that I seem to be the only one who is not aware of the situation, YES I feel I have the right to know what is going on and to be legitimate to ask for it! » he gets angry. </p>
<p>Clint gets up and walks to face Steve. He stares at him, standing just inches away. </p>
<p>« Don't act like you're worried about her! YOU DON'T CARE! » He screams .</p>
<p>« Of course I do, but what the hell is going on here????? FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN STARING AT ME, WHISPERING AND WHISPERING MY WAY AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE NATASHA IS, YES I'M CONCERNED FOR GOD'S SAKE! »</p>
<p>Steve explodes, letting go of the stress and anxiety he's been feeling for the past three days. </p>
<p>Clint exchanges an interrogative look with Tony. Steve swears twice in the same sentence, which is worrisome enough for the three friends to let their anger go. </p>
<p>« Steve, are you sure you're okay? » Wanda asks him hesitantly. </p>
<p>« No! OF COURSE NOT! The woman I love has disappeared and no one seems to want to tell me where she is, » he replies, his voice full of despair. </p>
<p>« The woman you love- But Steve, you're marrying Sharon! » Maria lets slip, surprise. </p>
<p>« I'm gonna WHAT? But... But I'm not! Why would I marry Sharon when I love Natasha, it doesn't make any sense!!!! »</p>
<p>Feeling the situation slipping away from him, Tony gets up and hands Steve the paper they all received three days earlier, the same one that Natasha burned in the lab. Steve looks at the photo, incredulous.</p>
<p>« Please don't tell me Natasha got it too... » he asks, his voice full of sadness. </p>
<p>Clint places a hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p>« Why do you think she's been missing for three days? She couldn't stand it, Steve. She loves you, everyone here knows it. »</p>
<p>« She... loves me? Natasha loves me? But where, when and how? »</p>
<p>« The classic move » Fury responds, rolling his eyes up « Everyone knows but the two of them » </p>
<p>« It's been over a year, Steve. She didn't dare say it. She was afraid of how you'd react. That piece of paper just proved what she was afraid of. She left to grieve for you and also to get used to the idea, » Wanda tells him calmly. </p>
<p>« But I don't want her to grieve. I love her! I want to spend the rest of my life with her! » </p>
<p>« It's a little late for that, Cap, » Tony sadly replies. </p>
<p>Steve's face closes and his features harden. His whole body tightens and he feels his heart tightening. </p>
<p>« Who sent this? » he asks harshly. </p>
<p>« I'd give you a name, but I think you already know the answer, » answers Tony. </p>
<p>Less than two seconds later, Steve is already out of the room, running through the halls. He searches all the rooms in the HQ, relentlessly, until he finds the person he's looking for in the communal locker room. With a quick gait, he approaches her and throws his fist into the locker behind her, an inch away from her face, pinning her against the wall. </p>
<p>« Why? » he asks, looking into her eyes. </p>
<p>« You're mine and no one else's, » she says, « she had to know, everyone had to know! » </p>
<p>« To you?! I mean, Sharon, we're not even dating! How long did you think you could keep this from me???? Do you know what I've been going through for the last three days because of you??? BECAUSE OF YOU NATASHA IS GONE! » </p>
<p>« Good! Anyway, I was fed up with her! I LOVE YOU AND NOTHING OR ANYONE CAN DRAW YOU OUT! NOT EVEN A POOR HEARTLESS MURDERER LIKE HER! » </p>
<p>« STOP! » Steve hits the locker again in the same place. « Unlike you, Natasha has a heart! She sacrifices herself for others and spends her time trying to make up for past mistakes! She's smart, she's beautiful and I love her! So now - his voice is just a whisper, sharp and cold as ice - you leave her alone Sharon. You stay away from her and you stay away from me. If you make her suffer again, I promise I'll have you expelled from S.H.I.E.L.D. and make your life a living hell ». </p>
<p>Without a last look, he leaves her and goes back up to the conference room. Hill, Fury, Tony, Clint and Wanda are still there. </p>
<p>« Where is she, please, » he begs them.</p>
<p>« I hope you like the cold Captain. » Clint replies with a smile.</p>
<p>« We'll handle the situation here. Captain, » says Tony, « go find her and bring her back to us with a smile. » </p>
<p>« Thank you. I owe you one, » says Steve with a smile.</p>
<p>« You'll tell us that when you get her back. Go for it! » Wanda orders him.</p>
<p>Steve smiles and runs out of the room. It's time to get the one who he loves back.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Natasha never liked the cold. It reminds her too much of Russia. Even though she loves this country, she has always unconsciously associated it with the Red Room and bad memories. The killings, the murders, the families torn apart because of her. All that red on her hands that she's been desperately trying to get rid of since Clint showed her another way. And no matter how hard she tries, she can't help but see the blood dripping from her palms every time she looks at them.<p>At first, she was suspicious of everything and everyone, even Clint. He may have chosen to spare her, but she still had very little confidence in him. Then, little by little, by dint of missions and then afterwards with the Avengers, she opened up. She found friends, a job that suited her, a family. And even though she was still very reserved, she was happy. However, her relationship with Steve changed her on a whole new level. She didn't trust her teammates completely (except Clint) and yet, she followed him with her eyes closed. There was something, a connection. As they fought, their osmosis radiated. They moved as one person, understanding each other, complementing each other. At one point, she even thought he felt the same as she did, his big ocean-blue eyes plunging into her emerald eyes. At least, that's what she thought. She was wrong. </p>
<p>Instead, here she is in Sweden, away from the Avengers, away from him, away from everything. Coming out of the little hut she's been sheltering in, she takes a few steps in the snow before dropping backwards, her buttocks in the powder snow. She raises her head, readjusting her hat and looks up at the starry sky. Night is her favorite time of the day. At least she's no longer the only one in the dark and the stars bring her comfort. Lights in her darkness, little guides in the darkness of the world. Even during her training at the Red Room, she always took 15 minutes in the evening to admire the sky. </p>
<p>Suddenly she hears footsteps and straightens up. No one but Clint knows she's here and the nearest village is 10 kilometres away. Squinting her eyes, she immediately spots the silhouette lurking in the shadow of a fir tree, and silently approaches like a cat. As she was about to attack, a familiar scent overtakes her senses. She freezes sharply. </p>
<p>« Steve? »</p>
<p>Emerging from the shadows, Steve's eyes meet her own. The moon gives them a silvery sheen that contrasts perfectly with the deep blue of his irises. </p>
<p>« Natasha... » he whispers. </p>
<p>He approaches to take her in his arms but freezes when she instinctively takes a step backwards. </p>
<p>« What are you doing here- it doesn't matter if you have to go, » she says shaking her head. </p>
<p>« I've come to get you, Nat. »<br/> « Go away, Steve, I don't want to see you! » Natasha shouts at him.</p>
<p>« But at least let me explain- »</p>
<p>« Explain to me what???? That you're getting married? That we can't be partners anymore??? Don't worry, I figured it out on my own! » </p>
<p>« BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE, LET ME EXPLAIN! » </p>
<p>The redhead is stunned. It's the first time Steve's ever raised his voice at her. And besides, he swore. Two things disturbing enough to keep Natasha quiet. Steve takes advantage and goes for it.</p>
<p>« I'm not getting married. » he says, looking her in the eye.</p>
<p>She frowns.</p>
<p>« Are you kidding or what? S.H.I.E.L.D. knows all about it! » </p>
<p>« It's not true! It's all wrong! It was a manipulation... I'm not getting married! I'm... I'm... I don't want to end my life with Sharon! »</p>
<p>« So there's still someone out there? I don't get it, Steve! Why don't you just leave me alone and go live your life! Is it so nice for you to make me suffer- »</p>
<p>Steve cuts her off with a kiss. God, this is so good. It's all he's been dreaming about for months. The feel of Natasha's lips on his is intoxicating. He feels some tears streaming between their mouths and sucks them in, hoping to chase away her sadness. When they pull away, Nat is in tears. </p>
<p>« W-why? » she asks, sobbing.</p>
<p>« Because it's just you. Natasha, it's always been you. You and no-one else. I love you and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to tell you, I'm sorry I made you suffer, I never wanted this! I was afraid that you would reject me, that you would refuse me, that I wouldn't be good enough for you because you deserve the best. But I know that nothing would be more horrible than to see you sad or with someone else. I want you to be mine, to be mine and mine alone. I want to take care of you when you are sick, to warm you in winter, to hold you at night when I fall asleep, to fight beside you again, to be sad when you are sad, to be the shoulder on which you wipe your tears, to be the reason for your smiles » he looks at her sadly « please Natasha... Please, let me love you! »</p>
<p>She looks at him with tears in her eyes. </p>
<p>« I don't- I don't know, I n-need time, Steve. You don't know how much it hurt and I don't know how I feel anymore... » she looks down.</p>
<p>« Tell me you don't love me and I'll get out of your life forever, » he says sincerely. </p>
<p>« I'm... » She sniffs. « I don't love you... anymore. »</p>
<p>Steve feels his heart breaking. He breaks apart on the spot and doesn't want to get up again. </p>
<p>« W-well » he kisses her cheek « I... I wish you happiness Natasha, no matter who you're with... »</p>
<p>And there he goes. Natasha drops to her knees and cries her eyes out. She doesn't care about the looks, her so-called strength, at the moment she's just a broken-hearted woman who has probably just made the worst mistake of her life. She'd like to hold him back, tell him it's not true... but imagining him with Sharon made her realize that he'd probably be happier with her than with a poor broken soul like his. He deserves the best. </p>
<p>Recovering her senses, she hears squealing in the snow. Powerful arms straighten her up and she finds herself in front of the perfect features of Steve's face. His eyes are hard and fiery. </p>
<p>« I don't believe you, » he whispers to her. </p>
<p>And he embraces her, with all the passion, all the love he can put into it. Immediately, Natasha kisses him back. Steve's arms come around her waist and she wraps hers around his neck. The only witness to their passion is the mist that escapes from their lips each time they sneak apart to breathe. </p>
<p>« Natasha, I love you, » Steve whispers tenderly. </p>
<p>She looks into his eyes. </p>
<p>« I love you too, Steve, » she replies.</p>
<p>Steve smiles, his heart singing. Then he brings her closer again to seal her lips to his, like a promise. </p>
<p>And above them a shooting star passes by, finishing its run behind the mountain.<br/>Like a tear crashing to the ground.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I do not hate Sharon, I just need an antagonist. In this house, we stan every Marvel woman, deeply, they are badass &lt;3 <br/>No hate in the comments please</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Save me from myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Natasha faces her demons once more, and she isn't she will be strong enough to resist them this time</p>
<p>HUGE WARNING: Self-mutilation and symptoms of depression are present in this chapter. If you are uncomfortable with these topics, do not read! Enjoy your reading.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once again, Natasha finds herself up at 3:30 in the morning, trembling. She swore she had beaten them. But as every time they seem to have disappeared, her demons come back with even more strength. She has absolutely no idea how they work. Sometimes a month can go by without them appearing. Sometimes it's only a few days. However, they have now been haunting Natasha for the fifth night in a row and the spy is getting seriously mentally tired. She's tired of fighting, struggling to escape a past that keeps chasing and catching up with her. She's tired and she's in pain.</p>
<p>The screams of her nightmare are still ringing in her ears. She closes her eyes and tries to scare away the voices, in vain. They are tortuous echoes in her mind. She walks to the balcony, still trembling, and opens the bay window. She goes out onto the terrace and sits on the armchair, cowering. Looking out at the city, she cannot help but wonder how many lives stretching out before her eyes she has shattered. How many families she has torn apart. How many husbands would never go home because of her. All that red, all that red running before her eyes, dripping on her hands and pouring like a raging torrent through the streets of the city.</p>
<p>She swallows the sobs blocked in her throat. Usually when her demons come back, Steve is there to confront them with her. She doesn't know why, but they seem to be afraid of him. When he's around, they're not as strong and they leave more easily. As soon as he feels her trembling in her sleep, he instinctively takes her in a warm, comforting embrace. Instantly, she calms down and can end her night serenely. And on the rare occasions when she still has nightmares and wakes up, he stays up being her until she calms down, making her a hot chocolate and telling her jokes or adventures about him and Bucky. But Steve left on a one-month mission three weeks ago and isn't supposed to be back for five days. And she seriously misses him.</p>
<p>A shiver runs through her body and she buries her face in the hollow of her knees. Her restless nights are one of the few times she feels vulnerable and she hates it. The Black Widow is not supposed to be weak, ever. She has to fight, fight to survive and get up again. But her heart is tired. Tired of fighting a monster she can't defeat. She feels it, it's hidden, buried deep in her heart, waiting each time for its time to grow and attacking her when she least expects it. It starts from her heart, stretches its tentacles along her rib cage, clutches her chest and prevents her from breathing. It goes to her head, bringing only sadness and eventually paralyzes her completely, leaving her defenseless. Stronger with every pass. Longer with every pass. Without mercy, it crushes her heart and the feelings she has taken so long to allow herself to feel.</p>
<p>
  <i>Untrustworthy. Lonely. Not worthy.</i>
</p>
<p>That's what it whispers to her every time. And deep down Natasha knows it's right, that she could never repay it. She looks at her wrists, rolls up her sleeves and runs her fingers over the thin white lines that flood her delicate skin. These are the rare scars that don't come from the Red Room or from missions, the rare scars she inflicted on herself. When Steve isn't there, she is no longer in control. He doesn't even know it. She camouflages them with long sleeves until they are healed. After that, nothing distinguishes them from her other wounds, so she just pretends nothing happened.</p>
<p>Her body is shaking more and more. She hugs her arms around her as if to protect herself and pushes her nails into her arms. She can do it, she can fight it, she can- she can't breathe. The world around her fades away and she's back in the Red Room. She raises her arm and shoots again and again into the target 25 yards in front of her. Not a single bullet misses it. Because that's what she is. An assassin. A lethal weapon. A deadly poison.</p>
<p>Her body spasms, Natasha slowly stands. Only one goal, that the pain go away. For this, she must create another. To divert her mind. Empty-eyed and tears streaming down her cheeks, she heads for the bathroom. She turns on the light and locks herself in. She sits on the floor and gently rolls up her sleeves, letting her forearms appear. She grabs the razor blade hidden under the sink and places it on her left forearm before pressing down slowly, piercing her skin. Blood escapes from the wound and runs down her fingers, beading on the floor. She starts again below the first cut, gently. It burns her but it is nothing compared to her inner pain. Then she starts again, changing arms from time to time, until both of her arms are only red. Red for red, blood for blood. Her Avenger friends thought she'd gotten over it. That she was stronger. That she'd paid her debt in full. They were wrong. And the last thought that goes through Nat's mind before everything goes black is that she should never have been born.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Steve slowly opens the door to the apartment he shares with Natasha. For once he finishes a mission five days early, he wants to surprise her. He even took time to pick up flowers and change at HQ. In fact, he had planned to go straight home, so he could have been home three hours earlier, but he had forgotten something essential in his spare room at the Avengers base. He reaches into his pocket to make sure he has the little velvet box. It's already been a year since he bought it, but he's never found the right time to ask her, both of them always being up and down in the wind, on a mission or working just late at night. But this time he's determined not to waste any more time and has even asked Fury to put them both on leave for two weeks. He needs to find her, feel her close to him again.<p>As soon as he walks in, Steve senses something's wrong. The atmosphere is heavy and sad. An unpleasant shiver runs down his spine, synonymous with danger.</p>
<p>« Nat? »</p>
<p>He knows she's supposed to be asleep, but he's worried and even if he just wakes her up, he'll explain it to her. He approaches the room and knocks gently on the door before opening it. He frowns when he sees that she's not in bed.</p>
<p>« Natasha? Are you in there? » He asks again.</p>
<p>Suddenly, he hears a small moaning cry coming from the bathroom. There's a light coming through the door. He goes into knock. The moaning has upset his stomach and his concern is worth a reprimand if he's ever wrong. Immediately, an unfortunate familiar smell, that of blood, overwhelms his senses.</p>
<p>« Nat, what are you- TASHA!!!! » He screams.</p>
<p>Natasha lies on the floor in front of him in a bloodbath, unconscious. Steve rushes forward and kneels down beside her.</p>
<p>« Nat?! NATASHA!!! » He shakes her to wake her up.</p>
<p>Only a faint moan comes out of her mouth. Steve watches her to try to find the cause of her injury and his gaze falls on Natasha's arms. His heart breaks when he sees the razor blade in her right hand.</p>
<p>« Natasha... » He moans, a tear running down his cheek.</p>
<p>Pulling himself together, he lifts her up and leaps towards the room. She must not die, he will never allow it. For if she should die, then he would die with her. He lays her gently on the floor and takes off her clothes, leaving her just her underwear. Then he picks her back and puts her on the bed. He runs to the kitchen where their emergency kit is and pulls out a bag of blood. They always have one for situations where they have to stop here in an emergency and treat themselves. He comes back to Natasha and delicately puts an infusion in the hollow of her right arm. He breathes lightly as he sees the blood flowing properly and Natasha regains color. He checks Nat's vitals as Dr. Cho taught them in case of emergency. Her pulse is still weak, but seems to have regained strength. With the blood bag, everything should return to normal. He takes a cotton swab, sprays it with disinfectant and cleans Natasha's wounds, removing the blood covering her at the same time. To his dismay, they are many, many more than he thought. Each time he discovers a new one, Steve's heart breaks a little more. Of course he had noticed the first cuts. He knows her by heart. She who likes her tank tops and light T-shirts, there she was wearing big long-sleeved sweaters. And then he knows every curve of her body, for having spent entire nights peacefully observing her. So he knows perfectly well that these scars are new. He was going to tell her about them, but as with tonight, he arrived too late and no words can describe his feelings of helplessness, sadness and guilt. He finishes and bandages her arms.</p>
<p>Slowly, he gets up and goes to throw the cottons in the garbage and then comes back and cleans the bathroom floor. Then he undresses, just keeping his boxer shorts on, takes Natasha's clothes and his own covered in blood and throws them in the trash. Never mind, they have plenty of stuff to get dressed and he doesn't want any trace of what happened when he wakes up. He slips silently under the sheets and wraps Natasha in his arms, taking care not to hurt her. He brings Natasha's head against his chest and strokes her hair. Tomorrow he will call Fury to ask for indefinite leave, but for the moment he doesn't want to leave Nat by any means. He hugs her, swearing that it will never happen again.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>When Natasha wakes up, she feels a burn running down her arms. She tries to open her eyes, but everything is spinning very fast and she closes them immediately. Taking advantage of her years of training, she tries to find out where she is. Given the softness of her support, she must be in bed. Her head rests on her pillow and she feels a slight tingling in her right arm at the hollow. And she's warm. Not hot in the burning sense, but warm in the comforting sense, the same warm feeling that a duvet gives in the middle of winter. However, she can say that the source of this warmth is not the duvet, but something lying next to her. Intrigued, she gently opens one eye to test, then the other and looks.<p>« STEVE?! » she exclaims in surprise.</p>
<p>Instantly, he straightens up and looks at her, worried. From the dark circles under his eyes, she can tell that he hasn't slept.</p>
<p>« Steve... what the hell are you- »</p>
<p>She stops when she remembers last night. Her breathing quickens and she looks at her bandaged forearms. She looks at Steve and immediately knows that he knows. In panic, she tries to pull back. He knows. He shouldn't know. She shouldn't be here anymore. Her breathing is short and shallow. She gets out of bed but her head is spinning and she's threatening to collapse. Steve jumps up behind her and supports her, holding her by the elbows.</p>
<p>« Shhhhhhhhhhhhh easy Nat... » he whispers in her ear. « Take it easy. » he places Natasha's hand on his chest. « Follow my breath. Calm down. It's OK, I'm here... »</p>
<p>« No! It won't be all right! You- I mean you saw, you weren't supposed to know but you know and it's a disaster how could it be OK when you know?! Nothing's gonna- »</p>
<p>She's cut off by a kiss, chaste but passionate.</p>
<p>« I already knew Tasha... »</p>
<p>She looks at him confused.</p>
<p>« You already knew? B-but how...? »</p>
<p>« I know you by heart. Any new mark on you jumps out at me. I wanted to talk to you about it but I waited and I feel terrible... I was planning to come home early last night but I had to go to HQ and if I'd come home early maybe you... I could've helped you. And I wasn't there. »</p>
<p>The sadness in his voice touches Natasha deep in her heart. She gently places one hand on Steve's cheek.</p>
<p>« Steve, please... don't blame yourself. It's not your fault I'm not strong enough to fight... I'm running away and I never stop and it's just that- » she holds a huge sob that goes up her throat.</p>
<p>Steve pulls her to him and she buries her face in the crook of his neck with her hands on Steve's chest.</p>
<p>« Everyone has weaknesses, Natasha. That's what makes you human. You don't have to be strong all the time... not in front of me. » He says to her softly.</p>
<p>Natasha feels a tear coming out of her eye, then two, then a whole torrent. She weeps softly all the tears in her body, huddled up against Steve. She cries for her wasted childhood, the spirits, including her own, that she has broken, the lives she has ruined, her destiny she didn't choose, the life she would have wanted. Steve says nothing, just conveys as much calm as he can. It breaks him to see her in this state, but he wants to stay strong so he can hold the broken soul in his arms as best he can.</p>
<p>After a while, Nat's breathing comes back to normal. She looks up and looks at Steve. Her eyes are red and swollen and she has a runny nose.</p>
<p>« I'm tired... » she says weakly.</p>
<p>Steve doesn't waste a single second and lifts her up. She huddles up against his chest and he directs them both to the couch. He sits down, Nat on his lap.</p>
<p>« Sleep my love, I'm here. »</p>
<p>Nat nods her head and closes her eyes. Three minutes later, her features have calmed down and her breathing is calm and light. Steve holds her tightly against him and rests his head back. He closes his eyes and just before he falls asleep, he hears her whisper « save me from myself... »</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>Two days have passed since that event. Since Steve returned, no more nightmares have come to haunt Natasha at night and she has been able to recover from her five difficult nights. However, she and Steve still haven't talked about it. Steve doesn't want to rush Natasha and Nat doesn't know if she has the strength to talk about it openly.<p>« Nat? »</p>
<p>Natasha stops cutting vegetables for their lunch.</p>
<p>« Yes? »</p>
<p>« Do you... do you want to talk about it? »</p>
<p>She turns around and faces Steve, leaning on the table.</p>
<p>« Honestly... I don't know if I have the strength. »</p>
<p>Steve nods his head, understanding. He sketches out a move to leave.</p>
<p>« But at the same time - he freezes and looks at her again- if I don't tell you, I don't think I'll ever tell anyone. »</p>
<p>Steve can't help but smile, happy with the trust she's just placed in him. Nat gives him a slight smile and looks down.</p>
<p>« When... when I left the Red Room and the KGB, I thought I'd changed my life. I thought it would be easy to forget, as easy as it had been to kill. The Avengers gave me back my humanity and I wanted to erase my debt to the world, to be more than I thought I was worth. But I never did. I never could forget. I can't forget. It's all etched in my mind, clear as crystal. Every kill, every scream, every second resonates in my head. I guess that's the price you pay for being a monster... »</p>
<p>Steve approaches slowly and gently grabs her chin to raise her head.</p>
<p>« Listen to me carefully. -his voice is just a whisper- under no circumstances, none, is the woman standing in front of me a monster. When I look at you, I see the words courage, strength, determination, beauty, intelligence, giftedness. Not for a moment does the word monster appear. Because you are not a monster, Natasha. You are... alive. Invigorating. You are the oxygen I need to breathe, the water I need to live, the reason for my survival in this time, the one who showed me the voice to follow.  You've been my guide out of the cold, let me be yours to come out of the darkness please... »</p>
<p>He comes off her slightly and gets down on one knee. At first intrigued, Natasha's jaw drops when she sees him pull a small box out of her pocket. Steve plays with it for a few seconds before looking up at the one in his heart.</p>
<p>« Even though it took me a while to realize it, I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. My heart is yours for all eternity and I can't stand that you are not mine forever. So please - he opens the box to reveal a thin black ring set with little red crystals. Pretty simple, but when Natasha looks at it, she feels like she sees a definition of herself - let me save you from yourself and agree to live with me for the rest of our lives? »</p>
<p>She sniffs loudly. She realizes now that Steve always knew who she really was, that he always saw her soul.</p>
<p>« Yes, I do... »</p>
<p>Her voice is so low that if he hadn't had the serum, Steve probably wouldn't have heard anything at all. But once again, his fine hearing helps him and a huge smile appears on his face. He gently takes Natasha's hand and puts the ring on her finger. She can't hold back a sob and a huge smile lights up her face. Steve stands up, his hand in Natasha's, embraces his fiancée's waist and gently places his lips on hers. Nat responds to the kiss with all the intensity of her love for him, her gratitude and her appreciation for accepting her.</p>
<p>They slightly lift off and press their foreheads together.</p>
<p>« We're going on a trip? » suggests Steve.</p>
<p>« Just you and me? »</p>
<p>« Yes. »</p>
<p>« I'd really like that » she nods.</p>
<p>Steve laughs softly and leads Natasha to the room to pack their suitcase. Her past may be dark, but he swears to himself that her future will be as bright as he can make it be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Moving on</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steve comes home to Natasha, or he thought so</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>« Natasha! Nat, I'm home! »</p><p>« Into the kitchen!"</p><p>At the sound of his girlfriend's voice, Steve immediately drops the shopping bags and rushes into the kitchen to give her a hug. The mission from which he just returned was neither long (or even very short, 2 days being surely the lowest duration for a mission) nor complicated, but whatever the time Steve spends away from Natasha, her absence weighs on him, heavier than a bulldozer. And even more so lately, since they managed to defeat Thanos and a miracle happened.</p><p>« How is James? » He asks, laying his hands on Nat's bumpy belly.</p><p>Seven months pregnant, Natasha has reached a point where she's not sure whether she looks more like a human or a whale baby. It's even worse when she's lying down, she looks like a stranded whale.</p><p>« Sarah, you mean? » She retorts, laughing and stuffing another cookie- the third since Steve came along- in her mouth.</p><p>Steve winces. Of course, they both bet on the sex of the baby - a weekend anywhere in the world is at stake- and he refuses to lose. Gently, he grabs Natasha's cheeks with his palms and places a delicate kiss on her lips. A taste of sugar, chocolate and something typically Natasha invades his senses, temporarily disorienting him.</p><p>« Did you bake cakes again? » He laughs.</p><p>« Nothing can come between a pregnant woman and food, Rogers, » she smiles, again a typical Natasha smile.</p><p>Steve laughs, going back to the lobby to pick up his stuff.</p><p>« You know, » he says, raking at his coat, « I'd long ago realized that your true love was the food and not me. I'm just a poor substitute, » he adds with a look of a beaten dog.</p><p>« Since you are largely responsible for my condition, you should just be a substitute for another two months, » she announces without a hint of remorse in her voice.</p><p>« Too bad... » he sighs, with malice in his voice. « I brought Chinese food for after a session of hugs and kisses, but I guess you're not interested. »</p><p>The effect is immediate. Natasha is in 0.2 seconds (really, even pregnant Steve is always amazed by her speed and her talent to remain discreet) and exclaims:</p><p>« Did I hear Chinese food?! »</p><p>« Your favorite. »</p><p>Natasha moans.</p><p>« Don't tell me you brought me- »</p><p>« Peking duck with noodles and extra peanut, yes ma'am. »</p><p>Natasha moans louder and wraps her arms around Steve's neck.</p><p>« Have I ever told you how wonderful you are? »</p><p>Smiling, Steve takes Natasha's waist off.</p><p>« A million times at least since you've been pregnant, » he replies softly, bending over to capture Natasha's lips between his own.</p><p>After several minutes, they pull away, out of breath.</p><p>« You know, Steve, » Natasha whispers softly, « this has got to stop. »</p><p>Unsettled, Steve frowns before looking her in the eye.</p><p>« Stop? Stop what? »</p><p>« It's got to stop, you've got to stop it all. »</p><p>« All what? Natasha, I don't understand- »</p><p>He freezes his gaze fixed on the belly of the woman in front of him. Belly that is flat. <i>Flat</i>.</p><p>« N-Natasha? Your belly! »</p><p>Impassive, she keeps staring at him.</p><p>« You've got to stop Steve, you've got to move on. Please. »</p><p>Steve falls to his knees, hands over his ears, with a sudden, terrible headache. Pictures come to him. Thousands of them. A purple man, ashes, a glove with glowing stones... Natasha, lying at the foot of a cliff, dead. <i>Natasha, dead</i>.</p><p>No. Natasha's not dead. She's alive, in front of him, and pregnant. Alive. Natasha is alive.</p><p>Steve watches the room fade away, leaving him in absolute darkness. Natasha is still there, staring at him, her belly desperately flat.</p><p>« You've got to... you've got to let me go, Steve. This is not good, for you or for me. You're wasting your life. »</p><p>« I'm not wasting my life. You are my life Natasha and without you I... without you I... »</p><p>Steve then let the tears roll down his cheeks. Natasha kneels down and embraces him. They just lie there on the floor, crying about their lost destiny.</p><p>« Please promise me you'll move on. You must go on without me, Steve. » She whispers tenderly in his ear.</p><p>« How can I do that? How can I move on when I've lost everything? Peggy, Tony, you! I've lost you, Natasha, and I can't- I can't go on without you! »</p><p>« I know you, you'll get through this. There are people here who still need you. Stay for them. I'll be waiting for you, my love. I'll wait no matter what » she kisses his forehead. « Now I have to go and you have to move on, » she says, straightening up and starting to move away.</p><p>« Natasha PLEASE! I need - NEED YOU! »</p><p>She turns around, looking full of love and whispers:</p><p>« Move on. »</p><p>And everything goes black.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>« How is he? » Bucky asks, looking at Steve still unconscious on the bed in his room.<p>« I found him in the kitchen... He was still whispering, laughing, talking to someone, «  Wanda replies, looking preoccupied. "I got inside his head. It was her again, James, another hallucination. I manipulated her into telling him to move on, but... »</p><p>The young witch lets out a long sigh and runs a hand through Steve's blonde hair.</p><p>« This can't go on... it's been 9 months since she died and the hallucinations are getting more and more frequent... » Wanda whispers.</p><p>« I know, I know. Let's hope what you made her see makes it better »</p><p>Wanda nods. Yeah, let's hope so. That's all they have left.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It's okay, you can hate me now!<br/>#sorrynotsorry I had it in my head all day and I had to write it down. Until the next one, kisses 😘</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Feedback and comments highly appreciated :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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